Final Day of the Convention

After the whole Zell Miller episode I laid low for a while. I did bump into the Bush girls but all they could talk about was getting "groped" by the governator and how "Cuel" he was. All they wanted to do was swallow jello shots and play strip poker.

Since my strip poker skills are rather limited and the idea of being mentioned in the tabloids with "Jenifee" and "Babas" was a terrible thought, I politely demurred. "Oh he's probably one of those religious prudes like Dad pretends to be." "That sure would explain a lot," chuckled Babas.

I walked out of the meeting room and found my way to the press area. There was Dyanmic George Pat-taki holding sway over the press. I was confused how any one could stand to listen. "And.... Then.... I... Told.... Them..." I thought to myself, "Wow! That just took him three minutes to get out! And he is going to introduce Bush, wow that should be pretty boring...

I felt a mind numbing cold and gasped for breath. Thinking quickly I realized that there was only one force in the universe that could create such a feeling and then there in front of me in a swirl of smoke and brimstone was Ann Coulter. "Oh man, I thought, where is the suicide pill that Jennings gave me back at camp Goldwater?"

So... are you an evil liberal or are you one of the children of all that is good, moral, and just?

"I... I..." I just stammered.

"Oh thank goodness," Coulter said. "I am so tired of pretending to be a horrible person!"

All I could get out was, "Huh?"

"Like David Brock I pretended to be a fascist and mean-spirited idiot."

Still I was unable to talk.

"But..." was the best I could do.

"Ah, so you have fallen for my plan...! I would never turn my back on the truth that all liberals are treasonous scum sucking bastards who should be eliminated with nothing short of atomic...

"There you are Ann, you forgot your medicine," said a man in a white lab coat. "We all know how cranky you get without your medicine."

I do not need your liberal medications, why I am the only hope for mankind! Only I can stop...

Then the doctor took Coulter by the shoulders and led her away.

Well, doesn't that certainly explain a lot, I thought. So, where do I go now. Bush is about to be introduced by the dyanmo Pat-Taki so I must have a few hours to kill. I guess I could try to find the Daily Show guy and see if he is doing alright.

I walked around a bunch of guys in white caps and suddenly found myself next to W. He was drinking a Martini and talking to his cabinet, the joint chiefs, and a few other major politicians of the right-wing. I thought, "uh oh." But then I started listening and my jaw dropped.

"Ok, people try to pay attention this time. I do not want to have to explain my analysis again. We funnel the money into off shore accounts and back into the Swiss banks and then into ventures on three different continents. And then from there..."

I could not believe my ears, Oh man, W is not an idiot he just plays one on television. Can this be true? Can Bush really be brilliant? Naw... Just then I woke up. I realized that my encounter with Ann Coulter had simply drained the life from me. I awoke and immediately noticed that everyone had left. The convention was over.

That's the one lesson I clearly learned about Republicans, they suck the life out of everything.