To mark the occasion of

Ann Coulter's "lifetime ban" from NBC (undoubtedly lifted by tomorrow morning) I present this classy memorial from an even classier blog:

Hello, I'm the editor at Rising Hegemon - After Dark!!

I'm afraid that some things are not permissible even at this blog. Despite the protestations, and strategic rubbing, of Atta J. Turk, I will not allow this post and accompanying illustrations to be put up.

It's not that it would be illegal.

It is just that it should be.

******

Hi, this is Atta J. Turk, and I have just pretended to fire the editor.

Ann Coulter urges each and every one of you to keep your sexual organs in sound shape by doing a series of Kegel exercises. Demonstrating some of the techniques she uses, here is Ms., um, Mr., um, Ann Coulter.

Exercise 1:


I suggest strapping up a strong rope and tying it around the grill of a riding lawn mower. Put the mower in neutral and pull. When you do this, make sure you anchor the rope firmly at both ends. Caution: be certain you loop your rope around the scrotum, not just the penis. Most liberal trannies cannot do this sort of exercise as they are too weak from smoking their clove cigarettes. This added suggestion: nothing pulls like a Deere.


Exercise 2:


Let me tell you, in order to keep Sean Hannity's affection, in public at least I need to have the appearance of a camel toe. Even if you are on the phone, doing repeated butt clenches while crossing your legs can create, to the casual glance, the appearance of an actual vaginal indentation.

I have used this on many a talk show or personal appearance. I once made Michael Reagan ejaculate just from my 'stretch pant' smile.

Exercise 3:



I came up with this idea during the Reagan funeral. There is nothing that adds to one's testicular strength and flow more than isometric exercises, and what could be more isometric than using centrifugal force? And it is extra patriotic to do it by taking advantage of some soldier's death to your own self-improvement. And when you're done, you can take the flag and wrap yourself in it.