In the dark theatre the “Preview Screen” Pops up…
Over the dark screen comes the Marvel Comics endorsement, followed by the NEWMARKET films logo.
And then finally Ubiquitous Movie Trailer Announcer Guy speaks:
Announcer: In a world of moral relativism, only one man can wield the power of the Almighty Holy Spirit.
[One Cardinal says to another]
"God help us if this young, buff, Pope cannot defeat the forces of vile secular humanism"
[Turning to another hulking figure]
"Congratulations Cardinal Studwell, the College of Cardinals has elected you Pope"
[The camera reveals Vin Diesel]
Vin Diesel: "I'm gonna need a bigger hat!"
[Now speaking before the entire College of Cardinals in their red robes in the ornate Sistine Chapel]
Vin Diesel: "My College o' Cardinals, I've come here to kick ass and take communion...and I'm all outta wafers!"
Several Cardinals: "And what will you call yourself?"
Vin Diesel: "I name myself...POPE SIXPACK"
Cardinals [over the sound of ringing bells]: "All hail, Pope Sixpack!"
Announcer: "Vin Diesel is...SUPER POPE!"
Anonymous Cardinal: "Your holiness, can you help defeat those who would turn from God and toward Hedonism and Materialism?"
Vin Diesel: "Of course I can Cardinal Toady."
Vin Diesel: "I gotta cool uniform, I've gotta cool cape"
"A way cool hat."
"I've got the bling bling"
"And I've got myself a kickass car"
Second anoymous Cardinal: "Your holiness, the Popesignal!"
Vin Diesel: "Yes, Cardinal Ratzinger"
Cardinal Ratzinger: "Pope Sixpack, the vile secular humanist Dr. Condom is urging people to use birth control and not have sex for the purpose of procreation only, but also for pleasure."
Vin Diesel: "I'm on it. Get out the Stick o' Shame...oh, and the cudgel of St. Sabastian, along with the thong of Thomas Aquinas"
Announcer: "With academy award nominee Jeremy Irons, in yet another great career choice"
"Viagra for All"
Vin Diesel: "I'm gonna eucharist his ass!"
[Insert fabo CGI transubstantiation scene]
Large heavy metallic sound
Announcer: SUPER POPE, he may be the Vicar of Christ, but he's also good with sharp Mitre.
More heavy metallic sounds as we see Pope Sixpack through his papal hat through a secularists belly.
And finally the large words, "Super Pope: 4-29-05"