The first, of what we hope is a regular column to answer questions submitted to Dr. Atta J. Turk, Unlicensed Therapist ("emailing" is preferable to email@example.com
if you please).
Let's look at this weeks inquiries:
LETTER NO. 1:
Hi Dr. Attaturk,
It's me Noell.
There's a a big fundraiser for my daddy this weekend in West Palm. I've been feelin'a bit out of sorts lately, ya know...run-down, sluggish.
Should I take my usual fistful of Black Beauties or do I need a good dose of crystal meth to get my engine jump started?
Well Noell, whenever Dr. Atta J. Turk is down he doesn't turn to illegal drugs. A person with a drug addiction such as yourself should never try to go back down that road. Be strong.
However, have you ever considered alcohol?
It is not illegal, it is readily available in a wide variety of choices and flavors and is also relatively inexpensive. In fact, I have no doubt that at your father's fundraiser this weekend it should be at your fingertips. As a matter of fact, at a Republican gathering, given their policies and programs, I'd say the evidence is pretty strong that alcohol consumption is a given. I'd have a "Cutty and water", or six, if I were you. Considering who will be there, your Dad and his buddies, it may even be available intravenously.
Ah, sweet, sweet alcohol. In my many years of giving advice, I've found that people who have had addictions to other substances take quickly to distilled spirits and it does dull the pain. It is particularly effective in Republican Households.
LETTER NO. 2:
Dear Dr. Turk-
The mean old press corp keeps asking me why we have allies like Saudi Arabia and Uzbekistan if we stand for Freedom, I tried to ask Mr. Cheney but he muttered something like Oil and Karimov is a model leader. I don't know who this Karimov fella is but accodring to Condi his first name is Islam so I guess he could be that Allah guy Mr. Falwell's always complainin' about, anyway, I'm confused, how can I stand for Freedom and be friends with a guy who boils dissidents alive?
Signed, Dear Leader
Dear Dear Leader,
At first, I am inclined to say, see the answer immediately proceeding, but perhaps that has already done all it can do for you.
Dear Leader, you have to continually remind yourself and continually repeat that "9/11 changed everything".
As the wise men of talk radio tell us, the only real kind of "freedom" is the freedom that comes stamped with the words "Made in the US of A". Freedom is after all precious, so precious in fact that it cannot be distributed too broadly. Why even in the United States we cannot be too free, as we have learned in the last three years, four months. Freedom, apparently, can only really be given to those who have the authority to wield it. Freedom is only to be apportioned among those already in power, or those with a great deal of money and the "right" (wink-wink) position on the issues, as Mr. Falwell will tell you "God's position".
You must also remind yourself that while your enablers talk about Islamo-facism and how it is a bad thing, the term is not to be applied to an Islamic Facist actually running a country. For those folks, like Karimov, are our friends and can give us that thing almost as sweet as alcohol, crude oil.
Remember, it is important to both you and Mr. Karimov that oil remain less expensive, but not too inexpensive. For your country, it will make sure that some of your supporters can keep driving their Hummers, while the rest keep cranking out babies through cheaper heating oil -- yet keep the profits high enough for ample income for your buddies (like Mr. Dick). For Mr. Karimov it means that deep frying is not prohibitively expensive and the cost of "lunch" doesn't become a cost too great to deal with.
Sometimes, the people you have to deal with are not nice, or sweet, but you have to interact with them anyway for your own political interest. This should be a concept you are familiar with.
LETTER NO. 3:
Dear Atta J. Turk --
I am the God-appointed Preznit of a large Western superpower, and I have a problem. There appear to be as many as a dozen cold Senators' and pundits' noses all up in my anal regions, all the way up to my colon at times, and what I want to know is this: How do I tell that Joe Lieberman guy to quit hogging, to knock it off and give other people their turn?
He just doesn't want to listen. He's worse even that that Chris guy with the high voice.
Little Georgy Jingo
Dear Little Georgy,
Here you see the problems that happen when one has to deal with those on the other side of the aisle and the cost that have to be paid. Once you were nice to that Zell fellow, it was only a matter of time before lonely Joe came a callin'. And I understand it is a problem, while Zell is crazy, he, at least is entertaining, lonely Joe on the other hand...well let's just say he makes Mitch McConnell seem charismatic in comparison.
Look, any Republican in your position is going to have to deal with a needy pet Democrat. They are not going to get love from their party, and so they come over to you for the occasional pat on the head and a public attaboy. Some Democrat has to want to be on Hannity & Colmes or O'Reilly as the "good" Democrat in order to serve some sort of pathological need to be loved by someone.
I think, however, that you are overestimating the amount of sphincter time you have to give someone like lonely Joe. It is my experience with him, that when it comes to the necessary affection from Republicans, allowing lonely Joe a quick sniff followed by a good thumping from the back of your hand should suffice to keep him in line. So for you, a quick reward followed by the pleasurable infliction of pain -- a momentary inconvenience and a precious release -- sounds like something you would like.
As for high-pitched Chrissy, just the back of your hand, or on special occasions a good bludgeoning with a mallet, will work.
LETTER NO. 4:
Dr. Atta J. Turk:
How come prezniting is such hard work?
Anything that we are not really qualified to do is hard work. For example, Dr. Atta J. Turk's time at the Art Instruction School of Minneapolis, was really difficult once he got done drawing Lucky. I found that drawing wasn't really for me, it was hard.
But fortunately, another type of degree was available to me, as that DeVry Diploma stating I'm a "Doctor of Brain Medicine" can attest.
My suggestion is that eventually you find something you are more qualified to do, and devote your remaining years to that task. May I suggest ceramic ashtrays?
LETTERS NO. 5 & 6:
my husb..., um, my boss, even though he has promoted me, it has moved me from his immediate presense. how do i get him to see me as the woman who should be his lump?
Dear Dr. Attaturk,
I have this friend in a very powrfull posishun who fell in love with one of the people workin for him. She obiv obvee clearly shares this affecshun. There are a couple of problems here:
he is married; the people supportin him threw out the last person because of the kardnal sin of lust; the people that support him would not like to see him with a ni dar person of her color; if it doesn’t work, he will lose the best lack bootl person in his office.
Sins Respek Love,
Christ’s Second Coming
Now, this would seem a conundrum. Since these questions came from from the same server address, I think it is possible that these two people work together, or did.
My advice is that if they are not already members of the Grand Old Party, they sign up and join immediately.
As I stated above, "9/11 Changed Everything" or at least it re-emphasized what we all know to be true. Moral scruples are only demanded of Democrats. The reason that those people threw out the last guy, is that he was hoggin' all the booty. Believe me, nobody swings pipe like Tom DeLay.
If you are a Republican, then have at it, do about anything you damn please except be two men having the anal sex and a marriage license, that apparently is out, but otherwise, have at it.
Well that is all we have for this week. If you are an individual with other questions that require the sage advice of an individual please seek help elsewhere, but otherwise, feel free to write firstname.lastname@example.org
and on Saturdays Dr. Atta J. Turk will try to give you the answers, you want to see.
Peace, out, homies.