"A Pacemaker's Work of Staggering Lameness"

And now from Stephen Hayes, the man who helped Dick Cheney lie about all sorts of shit, like Mohammad Atta's long stage-run in the Prague Theatre's production of "Old Calcutta" comes this:

Some of the highlights:

* Dick once killed a gopher with a hammer.

* Cheney believes that Ginger Ale was manufactured in Satan's bathtub.

* Dick's favorite comedy movie is "Love Story"

* Dick did once cry during a movie, "Der Untergang", he was so touched by it he went home and poisoned his dog.

There's more, as you may recall:

Chapter 1:

Dick was born in the house his father built. Dick's father was a sort of a little man, common man. He was a streetcar motorman first, then a farmer, and then he had a lemon ranch. It was the poorest lemon ranch in California Wyoming. He sold it before they found oil on it. And then he was a grocer Lion-Tamer. He was a great man, because he did his job, and every job counts up to the hilt, regardless of what happens.

Nobody will ever write a book, probably, about Dick's mother. Dick's mother was a saint. A saint with eight teats and a dewclaw.

Chapter 2:

When Cheney was just a year and a half, he intercepted Japanese codes that stated they were preparing to attack Midway Island. He promptly sketched a crayola-gram to Admiral Chester Nimitz and changed the course of the war in the Pacific. For his heroism, Nimitz recommended Cheney for the medal of Freedom, but he was denied the award by Fascist-apologist Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Dick got his revenge at the age of four, when on a trip to Warm Springs, Georgia he introduced the resting Roosevelt to his pillow. [Sorry, classified]

Chapter 3:

1948, seven year old Dick Cheney tries to volunteer for the United States Air Force to participate in the Berlin Airlift, the attempt to keep West Berliners fed is known to young Dick as "Germany's second chance to get National Socialism right!". But just before he can bicycle down to the recruitment office he stubs his toe on the coffee table, suffering a nasty hangnail that would likely compromise his flight status. Darn the luck. Fortunately, Dick is able to turn to other priorities and engage in the war at home with incessent red-baiting of fellow second grader milk monitors and playing in Whittaker Chambers' pumpkin patch.

Chapter 4:

Dick hits puberty:

Chapter 5: The College Years

1960: Dick attends Yale, having won a scholarship for his High School Senior thesis in late 1958 "Castro's 26th of July Movement, an insurgency in its Last Throes". However, Dick has to leave school early after participating in the 'Kill a Commie for Nixon' program. Neverthless, it is determined by a council of Skull & Bones that Cheney will not be prosecuted because, after all, his victim was a liberal and from a mere middle class family. Dick drinks from Geronimo's skull and departs for Wyoming in 1962.

Dick takes time off from school, working for an electrical company as a lineman. However, in reality, Dick is listening in on phone conversations involving the Kennedy Administration. Later that Year, Dick visits Hollywood and gets a job as Marilyn Monroe's housekeeper going by the name "Eunice".

Dick and his High School Sweetheart Lynne begin sending each other letters and gifts. Lynne sends Dick the heart of a local farmhand, Dick sends Lynne the pelvic bone of a vagrant who's flesh he had boiled away. Their co-dependency grows stronger. On Valentine's Day 1963 Dick sends Lynne a letter that reveals the poet in Dick Cheney's soul:

Miss Vincent,

My regards to you on this February 14, 1963. Without you, my will to power would have stopped when I assumed hall monitor duties in junior high after Tim Wilson's 'little accident'. You have given me the drive to attain the highest levels of executive authority as well as introduced me to the consumption of human flesh. I look forward to maintaining a respectful distance from you for years to come.

Sincerely,

Richard B. Cheney

Dick returns to college this time at the University of Wyoming, to be closer to Lynne and available for late night sessions of passionless dry humping and random euthanizing of the pets of Wyoming Democrats. In the Fall of 1963, Dick who is double majoring in Unethical Behavior and Embezzlement, proposes to Lynne, saying the only thing he wants to do more than get in her pants is get the United States into a War it cannot win. Lynne chuckles, accepts and tells Dick he'll have at least two opportunities to do each. But first, she asks for a blood sacrifice to prove his devotion. Dick is puzzled as to what to do, but then just before Thanksgiving, he hops a train to Dallas.