Suggestions for the McCain Camp

Dear Whack-a-doodles,

Watching your candidate lately has become quite painful for me, so I can only imagine how disturbed you are all feeling.  Now, while I am quite content to watch McCain bozo his way around the campaign trail, it has gotten so bad that he makes Bush campaigning (either one, take your pick) look good.

Once you get past, the concerns of 'Is this the best we can come up with?' Just console yourself with at least he's not a lying, cheating, killing machine that could not do better than a C average in college.  Hey, from what I understand McCain got some A's on those tough exam-things in school.

But lately, my friends, I find that McCain's efforts at humor and his efforts at being the every-guy to be quite disturbing.  Well, I do not mean to be a nit picker but its true: also embarrassing.  And I have the other guy's bumper sticker on my small fuel efficient car.  So, in my best intended effort at Bipartisanship -- for some reason supposedly valued in Washington -- I have a few suggestions for you.  These are sincere efforts at reaching across the aisle, so give them the consideration they are due:

1. Do not let your guy shoot from the hip.  Really.  Didn't work with Junior and its not working with McCheesy.  Just see his comments to those Harley riders for how bad this can get.  Heck, Cindy makes more sense when she's shooting the breeze (oh careful, with that last expression around Dickie C. ... just trust me). 

Oh, on a side note - is it me or is your guy slurring a lot?  You might want to watch that too.  Nobody wants to vote for a sleestack for president.

2.  Watch your guy's weight.  Is it me or is he putting on a few pounds.  And we used to worry about boy Clinton putting on too much weight.  As I recall, McCain is a few years older than Obama and adding the weight does not add to his power hungry guy sex appeal, hey ladies... am I wrong?

3.  Stop being mean.  Really.  It does not work to be the guy stomping the kids' Kool-aid stand.  Buy the drink, spend the dollar.  Also good not to be seen as cheap AND mean.  Very important to not be on the attack ALL the time.  Mean, cheesy, and cheap are not good ways to go through life, son.

4.  Don't laugh at your own jokes unless everyone laughs first.  For help on this watch some Letterman.  Carefully improvise off of that.  Do not laugh at your own jokes.

5.  Consider some hair club for men.  I am just saying it couldn't hurt to think about.  Just don't go jet black over night because it might shock "the fans" a little too much.

6.  Don't whine.  Not even a little.  Whining does not lead to winning.  It just makes you look desperate, very very desperate.

7.  Do not make fun of tire gauges.  They are helpful devices so you know how much air is in your tires.  For most people -- those of us who do not have chauffeurs and tax payer supported security teams around us at all times -- these are the tools we use to make sure we can manage that slow leak in our tires (because we can't afford new ones) and can get to our crummy jobs on time. 

8.   Be careful how you "dress down" the candidate.  The blue shirts with the arms rolled up, makes your guy look even more pudgy and bloated.  Not a good look (for additional clarification see point number two).

9.  Careful where you place the podiums... see pictures below in other posts in this blog.  Man, that just makes it look like you are hiding something.  "Hey, look!  McCain IS glad to see us!"

10.  Avoid the cheap photo faux-journalism moments.  They just make you look desperate.  Well, maybe on the other hand... you could just keep doing what you are doing for a few more months.

While we are discussing these presentation issues, what's with the use of "my friends" constantly?  Because I have to tell you - its been bugging me for a while now.  I took a straw poll at our office at Rising Hegemon HQ and everyone else is bothered too. And normally we are a pretty forgiving bunch most of the time.  Well, some of the time... 

But using "my friend" to refer to a large crowd... who is your guy talking to?  The one person with the other blue shirt, arms rolled up in the third row on the left side?  Have your guy stop referring to everyone as friends -- I don't know him so its kind of creeping me out.  I can only imagine how everyone else feels and its not fun.

It is my hope that these suggestions will help your guy focus on substantive policy issues and real differences as we enter the heart of the political contest rather than the crass 'attack at all points' Rovian approach to running political campaigns (perhaps we could discuss early period Lee Atwater, remember him?).

Looking forward to how your fella is going to perform at the debates.  Oh man, that is not going to be good for him, is it?

Your pal, Dirk D. DeDurkheim