If Bush replaced Lincoln

The Great Incarcirator

Campaign 1860:

- He'd hide the fact he avoided serving in the "Black Hawk War"

- He'd campaign as a "Compassionate Slave Owner"

- He'd tell fugitive slaves "they can run, but they can't hide"

- He'd have no idea where Frederick Douglass was.


1861:

-He'd appeal to the "Nature's betterer Angels"

-He'd launch preemptive strike on Boston on 4/11/1861 because "The Liberator" did a nasty cartoon of him. "Feels good"

-He'd say, William Lloyd Garrison can run but he can't hide.

-He'd dispatch the Navy to bombard Nova Scotia.


1862:

-He'd issue the "Freeance Proclamation Thingy", also known as "leave no whitey behind"

-He'd let his Vice President Dickerson Cheney Davis run things.


1863:

During the bloody battle between the "terrorist" Northeast and the rest of the country in Gettysburg he'd be on vacation.

Later that year he'd give an address:

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away our lower fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived with density, and dedicated to the proposition that nobody is our equal

Now we are engaged in a great civil war war against terrorist suiciders, Something that this nation, or any nation so conceived, and so dedicated, can long put up with. I'm here because I'm the decider of that war, 'cuz 4/11/61 changed everything. We have come to dedicate a portion of it, as a final resting place for those who died here, not that you can see the pictures, but trust me -- and it was mostly evildoers that died here, so that my government may live. Good for me. But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consel-lil-o-crate -- this place -- the men almost as brave as me, at least those who agreed with me, who struggled here, have done made it great, far above your poor power to add or detract, but not mine. The world will little note, nor long remember what they did here, but can never forget what I say here.

It is rather for me, the popular and beloved Dear Leader, to stand here, and tell you all what you are supposed to think, if you love my country. That, from these unlucky dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here, gave the last full measure of devotion to me -- that we here highly resolve these dead shall not have died in vain; that the nation, shall have a new birth of freeance, and that government of ME by ME and for ME, shall not perish from the earth.

So long suckers!"

To be continued in the 12-Part Dennis Miller documentary, "The Civil War War As it Shoulda Been, Cha Chi".