Tuesday, May 10, 2005

benedictxvi@vatican.va

Dear Popeskrieg;

As you know we vile secularists in America have been avoiding the teaching of the Church for some time. But as you also know, the flesh is weak, especially, I hear, when there is a youngin' in a tight fitting cassock. By the way, McCauley Calkin would like to talk to Cardinal Law as soon as possible. It seems that "Mac", as some call him, has not been getting responses to his emails from Bernie.

I'm sorry Holy Fuhrer, those were cheap, but compelled, shots.

This week I heard that you terminated the contract of the editor of a Catholic Magazine because he had published articles critical of church positions.

He certainly got your German up. I haven't seen a German get after a clergyman like that since Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

I guess my question mein Poppenfaust is do you plan to start shearing other moderately deviating members of your flock?

I'm just asking because your earlier effort to suggest that John Kerry and other pro-choice Catholics not get the Jesus Crackers and Hi-C seems to be catching on with other Christian faiths. For example, in North Carolina. It seems that the minister there may be losing his job, and his only option may be going back to his old occupation of can collecting and whittlin'.

Surely you can help this fellow passenger on the U.S.S. Christian Soldier with a Bishopric in Sierra Leone or something?

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