Sunday, May 15, 2005

Rules for the Religious Right

Considering the incessant march and dominance in our culture these days of the religious and evangelical right, I propose an important set of rules that demand levels of fairness and equity that we would expect from a group of people who are trying to determine how we all live and, well... die.

So, here are the rules. I call them 3R or R2R or RRR: Rules for the Religious Right. Most of these rules are obvious and clear and I believe are critically important to moving our political lives forward by holding people to their own standards. Now, this is a bit of a stretch since the Reagan era when facts were completely thrown out in favor of ideology or fantasy.

Rules for the Religious Right:

1. If any member of the religious right has been divorced, they must sit out of any conversation directly or indirectly about so-called "family values." Duct tape will be placed on the mouth of a religious rightist if they have divorced a spouse while she (or he) was sick or in the hospital, just to let everyone know that they have nothing meaningful to add to a discussion of family values.

Too many pictures to put in here.

2. Randomly announced blood and urine tests will be administered to all self-proclaimed spokespersons of the religious right who try to tell all of us what to do. If you believe that you know what the rest of us should do, think, and feel... then we have the right to know what you have been doing. Fair is fair, right?

Which picture to pick? Which one, hmmmmmm...

3. All well known leaders of the religious right will be evaluated by three separate mental health care professionals who are (again) randomly selected out of a list of respected practioners. Important point: Your pastor, priest, cleric, etc... do not count. Neither does Dr. Phil or Oprah.


4. If you are screaming, you are done. Trust me, soft spoken discussion can have far more gravitas. So, if you feel the need to carry on about how correct you are by attacking others spiritual and personal beliefs by telling them they are going to burn in the fires of hell, then you are probably wrong. Oh, by the way... if you don't know what gravitas means, no one is going to listen to you.

Believe me, I KNOW what is right for you! And um, what does gravitas mean?

5. If you have had an extra-marital affair, dated your secretary, or been with a prostitute (paid or unpaid), you must leave the field. You cannot tell the rest of us what to do when you don't live by your own rules. This is a very fair deal considering that you don't have to wear any scarlet letters.

Um, oops.

6. Domestic violence (including threatening the use thereof) are grounds for immediate shut ups. Not to mention the attention of legal authorities who will not care if you tell them that you are God's valet.

Too many pictures to show...

7. Seeing 500 foot anything in the desert disqualifies you as a spokesperson for anything, including sanity, personal grooming, and reading materials, not to mention trying to be involved in anything affecting the political health of the nation. Go see a psychiatrist, really. We are worried about you.

I'm on God's mega-size posse.

8. Anyone with a bad combover is automatically out. No exceptions.

"I'm a sexy beast and oh yeah... God and I, we're pals! And if you don't send $$$ to us, God is going to take my Dad!"

9. Any religious rightist must pass a new testament quiz to determine that they know a little bit about the stuff that they supposedly are talking about. And while watching Jesus and Pals is very cool, that will not count. Oh, and no crib notes allowed.

Applies to all...

10. Anyone who says they know what God meant by anything, especially anything written in a holy book, scroll, or divine fingerpainting is immediately to be dismissed from influencing the public life of the republic. Since you know what God wants, then politics is probably the last thing that you should spend your time on. Really.

Evangelist Oral Roberts told his followers on two TV segments in early February, 1987 that unless he received $4.5 million dollars immediately for medical missionary scholarships that God was going to take his life on March 31, 1987.

I think that if these rules could be enforced, they could greatly encourage considerate and intelligent dialogue. They would at least reveal some of these phonies for what they are, don't you think?

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