The Continuing Adventures of Rudy & Judi (Third in a Series)

Tonight, somewhere in South Carolina...

JUDI: "Rudy, this settles it. You're gonna have to knock me up."

RUDY: "Knock you what?!"

JUDI: "Look at this shit, Rudy. Do you think I'm gonna let some geezer's trophy wife steal the Motherhood of the Year Award out from under me? We need a kid, Rudy. A little girl like this, in patent leather Mary Janes and some schmata that looks like it was made by half-blind Amish."

RUDY: "But Judy, you're ... well, never mind. Don't we already have enough problems with kids?"

JUDI: "Okay, okay. I hear you. But then I want 14-karat gold fingernails."

RUDY: "Fourteen-karat gold what?"

JUDY: "Fingernails, you guinea schmuck. Look: Harold Robbins bought his second wife a set of 14-karat gold fingernails!"

RUDY: "Harold Robbins? Who the hell even remembers Harold Robbins?"

JUDY: "Are you kidding? I still have my copy of The Carpetbaggers with all the fuck scenes highlighted and if you had a brain in your head and balls in your pants you'd study those scenes quick. Because I'm bored, Rudy. I'm very, very bored."

RUDY: (sighs) "Judy..."

JUDI: "I don't wanna hear it, Rudy. If I can't have a four-year-old in calico Gunne Sax I want those fingernails. Think of what I could do to that low-rent whore Jeri Thompson with those things!"

Read Part I.

Read Part II.