Dear Maureen Dowd,

I know it's "Modo" to your friends, after reading your column today, I have some thoughts.

I would like take this opportunity to express my condolences that you are the only non-wingnut in your immediate family and that it ruins Thanksgiving for you. I'm sure many a Detroit Lions' fan knows the pain of having a lousy Thanksgiving.

Maureen, I've seen you out advertising your book, and I know that it is frustrating trying to keep up your appearances to such an extent that you still look like your decade old photograph. Further, I know it hurts when you lose a leathery, sex-addicted celebrity like Michael Douglas, to a nubile young foreigner like Catherine Zeta-Jones. You know, on second thought, nope, I haven't been anywhere near there. But I am sure it kind of sucks.

I know that it is difficult to share the same editorial page with a blase hack like Bobo, although frankly it is great for my blog.

In short, Maureen I want to you to keep your chin up, and your lips barely moving when you speak, you will survive and the never-aging photo on your column will endure. Besides, some day, perhaps, Tom Arnold will be looking to get married again, and the two of you would make a lovely pair.