Ask Dr. Attaturk, March 5, 2005

Question No. 1:

Hey, who do I gotta fuck in this fucking town to get a fucking statue? It's the fucking eyebrows, isn't it? Nobody wants a good story anymore, it's all about he fucking wax job the Saturday afternoon before, am I right? I shoulda been fucking shot down, fucking dead, on the fucking corner, by some fucking goombah, 40 fucking years ago, then this fucking town would be fucking happy. Am I right? Jesus Fucking Christ and a side of hashbrowns. Am I right?

Mr. Happy For All of Ya's

Dear Mr. Happy,

I couldn't help but notice the lack of a tough gumbah in your last production. Look yousa had some tough italians you worked with before.

-- DeNiro
-- Pesci
-- Liotta

Your problem comes when you start working with the more "pretty" Italians.

-- DiCapio
-- Dafoe

You need to ugly it up a bit.

Oh, you also may try to reconsider not wearing those glasses you must have gotten in Lew Wasserman's will.


Question No. 2:

Dear Dr. Attaturk,

Just what kind of Doctor are you?

Well the over-used cliche I could give you is "I'm a Doctor of Love". But that would be a lie. I am not a physician, I am not a dentist, I am not an osteopath, a psychologist, nor chiropractor. I do however have a doctorate from the University of Phoenix that notes I am a psychiatrist -- the kind that can write prescriptions. It is a wonder of the U of Phoenix curriculum that I am a psychiatrist without being a Medical Doctor. Believe me the ability to write your own subscriptions comes in handy...and long as you keep moving from state to state.

Question Number 3:

Greetings Friend Attaturk,

I write you from the planet Flurm, Crab Nebula, Squid Confederation. We are formally withdrawing our ambassador to your planet, the android know to you as Alan Greenspan. It has come to our attention that he has been passing himself off as human, and attempting to disorient your law makers through cyclical repetition of absurd propositions. In fairness, Greenspan (whose real name is Duarf) claims he was performing scientific measurement of the limits of human gullibility, but in so doing he has violated the Flurmian Code of Interplanetary Ethics. We understand that his "experiment" has resulted in a loss to your nation of several trillion dollars. On behalf of the citizens of Flurm, I apologize for this terrible confusion. It may interest you to know that careful inspection of the android's memory log revealed warping of the neocortical module, apparently the result of unnatural contact with Andrea Mitchell. Ordinarily these modules are designed to withstand low temperatures, but there are limits.

Friend Attaturk, there is one thing that we, members of the Flurmian High Council, do not understand. We have been advised that you may be able to enlighten us. What is wrong with your law makers? Have they too had unnatural contact with Andrea Mitchell?

Thanks in advance for any data you can provide that may help us to improve future designs.


Klaatu Barada Nikto
High Commissioner

Klaatu,

What kind of contact with Andrea Mitchell would be natural? Now we have had our suspicions confirmed that Alan Greenspan is an alien (I always suspected those nose-hairs were some form of advanced antennae). I would guess that the only natural things that have touched Ms. Mitchell in the last 30 years are gallons of "organic" makeup and Irvine R. Levine (or maybe Li'l Russ gettin' a squeeze in each year at the Christmas Party [after all Big Russ taught Li'l Russ that coppin' a feel is a man's right]). I can see the attraction between Ms. Mitchell and Mr. Greenspan because up close Ms. Mitchell does look like a planetary satellite, bombarded by years of interstellar meteors.