Mark David Cheney, a short sick story

It's been three weeks since Dick Cheney has felt the release of killing a warm blooded creature. It's lonely at the lair. Killing things and feeling their still warm blood ooze from the carcass is the only feeling of warmth Dick gets. Lynne's cold touch has been unavailable for years, and frankly, Dick would rather not touch her at all. However, that doesn't mean that Lynne hasn't kept his ambassador away. No, that's over now. Nip it in the bud before it becomes too well known.

What Dick needs, is to kill and kill again.

"But what's this?" Dick thinks to himself reading the Washington Times. In Canada the baby seal hunt is going on.

So cute, so fuzzy, so adorable.

So waiting to be turned into a bloody pulp on the frozen ice flows of the near artic.

Besides, with the Administration's environmental policies how much longer is this sort of "sport" going to be available?







ONE DAY LATER, in the exotic land known as "Canada"




This is Snuffles, the baby seal. She sure is adorable. Dick thinks she'd look great up on a wall, or perhaps wrapped around the neck of his future mistress, Rita Cosby.


Snuffles is just minding her own business, enjoying another day on the ice flows.


Sure, Dick thinks, it would be fun to dispatch these cute little guys the traditional way, with a nail-tipped club. But dammit, Dick's preferred method is shooting bird shot, and bird shot it will be.

Besides, it's no fun clubbing game to death. Such a method is best left for the humans that Dick occasionally bludgeons to death on the Naval Observatory grounds. "One less Astronomer in the world", Dick thinks, "so fucking what?!".


They sure are cute. No wonder Dick feels the need to kill them, cute must die. Dick hates cute. Dick prefers severe.


Who'd have guessed?

ANYHOOOOOO,



Behold, the mighty hunter approaches. "Kill da see-alll! Kill da see-all! Kill da See-all with my gun!"


Flop away Snuffles, Flop away!


Dick sees Snuffles lumbering off and aims his shotgun.

But as he turns his back on the world, SUDDENLY, a cry comes behind!

"Hey, you, what are you doing?"


Dick is startled and fires in the direction of the sound while bellowing, "Ah, go fuck yourself. Eat fiery death hippy!"

"BLAM, BLAM!" Big Time's silver shotgun shoots off towards the head,

"BLAM, BLAM!" Big Time stops to make sure that they are dead.

In the distance a muffled cry of pain, and then a man looks up at Cheney and he is not at all happy.


There is a brief moment of silence.


"Shit!", Dick mutters to himself, "why couldn't it have been Ringo?".


Ironically, Cheney is then beaten severely (but not fatally Mr. Secret Service Man) with the nearest available blunt instrument by his victim's companion.


As Snuffles waits patiently for more predigested fish.


The End.