Rising Hegemon : The Wankery IV, The Final Countdown

Friday, March 31, 2006

The Wankery IV, The Final Countdown

Part I, Part II, and Part III available here.

Jonah Goldberg is accused of wankery. Now, as many of you know, such an accusation is an open and shut case. But Jonah has many tricks up his wireless doohickey, and when we last checked in, his "surprise" witness, K-Lo had provided Jonah with an alibi that in these times should not have been too surprising. K-Lo alleged that Jonah had...an evil twin.

As we join the trial, the prosecution is about to begin its cross examination of the witness.

I know she won't crack, she's a stonewall. I know you are the epitome of conservative bravery K-Lo.

Before we begin, I must tell you that I have been recalled to be an extra in "Lost" so a guest judge will sit in for me.

Alright no fucking funny business, if there is any fucking funny business I personally will vaffanculo each and every one of you fuckers.

Is the fuckin' prosecution ready to begin?

Yes, your honor.

Then let's get this fucker over with.

Ms. Lopez, that was quite a story you told about Mr. Goldberg not making outrageous statements, but it being his evil twin who did so. But that's not the truth is it?

Do you understand ma'am?

He's asking if your story is fuckin' bullshit dumbass.

I object.

Shut the fuck up! You are so fucking overruled!

You want answers?

I think I'm entitled.

You want answers?

I want the truth.

You can't handle the truth. And I know only because as a long-time Bush supporter I've never been able to handle the truth either.

Well, try.

Okay, Jonah and I were not fighting crime in a literal sense.

So the truth is, your story is complete bullshit? Complete mother fuckin', bullshit?

Right.

Tell us the real story then.

Well, it begins three and a half years ago. Private Jonah and I were both stationed at Space Station Santorum, during "Operation Man-on-Dog". It was just us and a few other special space cadets. We all had a lot of time on our hands and looked into other pursuits.

You might want to click and listen to this in the background here

Byron York worked on his fencing.

Cliff May and Wolf Blitzer fluffed each other's beards.

Bill Bennett played Andorian dice.

Rich Lowry watched.

And some nameless red shirts wondered about aimlessly.

I'm Mark Krikorian, I'm Tim Graham, I'm Rob Dreher (not even pictured).

Warren Bell, gave the Federation, "The World According to Jim"

The stardates passed by, I watched a lot of television and Jonah acted as a diplomat for the people that came by...

And then one day it happened. After months of little action, something happened. Conservative pa'an farr. Jonah and I got together.

"Love lifts us up where we belong...where the eagles fly on a mountain high..."

And Jonah and I showed each other, our little tribbles.

Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a blind and deaf man.

Things were fantastic, we were less loathing than usual. And then it happened.

An attack by the terrorist.

By whom exactly.

Osama Podhoretz, a hideous hell-beast.

Our innocence was lost that day, when Pod ate most of our crew. Jonah and I went our separate ways, but our hearts remained together always...literally. That's why I'm in this artificial heart chair.

I wish I was dead Jim.