Rising Hegemon
Scene: The Presidential Mansion Press Room
Date: March 15, 1860
Scottie: Good morning. Before I take questions a few notes on President Buchanan's agenda for today. This morning, as you know, the President welcomed the National Champion Dueling team, or at least the survivors, from the University of Maryland. The shootin' Terrapins were able to defeat the University of Illinois when they ambushed the Illini after accusing the later of having illegal hairstyles. The President salutes this kind of self-initiative and believes it behooves a positive future for our nation. Later, this afternoon, the President will travel to the grand ballroom at the Williard Hotel for the National Minstrels' Convention. As you know this Administration has always been more than pleased to visit with black people when they are not actually black. Otherwise, we continue to pursue the policies that the American people put us in office for and with that I'll take your questions.
Helen Thomas: Why isn't the Administration doing something about some of the Southern States, like South Carolina, threatening to secede? How long...
Scottie: Helen, as usual you are making arguments instead of addressing the facts. The facts, as we have said many times, are that the Union of the States is stronger than ever and these press reports otherwise are erroneous and driven by hysteria. Maybe if you talked to the people of South Carolina...
Helen Thomas: It is in all the Southern papers, specifically the Charleston Lynching Advocate for example...
Scottie: Helen, I am not going to sit here and argue with someone so out of touch with what is actually happening in the South, Goyal?
Raghubir Goyal: Has the President thought of anything about India today?
Scottie: I will have to get back to you Goyal, however, as always the President wishes the British Empire his good wishes as well as all the lesser peoples that populate India. David?
David Gregory: Scott, following up on what Helen said, it's obvious that difficulty is brewing in the Southern part of the country. People are decrying the rise of the abolititionist movement, particularly in the wake of the Harper's Ferry incident last year...
Scottie: Again, I think that is a gross misrepresentation of the facts, if the American people look at the facts...
David Gregory: Scott! We are looking at the facts, don't talk down to us, why don't you level with us and tell us what the White House is doing?!
Scottie: Look David, I know that you love to be the center of attention, perhaps you should wait until this afternoon when the telegraph operators are here...
David Gregory: Stop talking down to us, and tell us the truth Scott!
Scottie: Well, if you are going to be so unreasonable, I'll move on, Mr. Guckhart?
Guckhart: Yes, Jeff, I spent the weekend with the President and I never got a chance to ask him this, what with all the gayity and ruff-pulling, but how with the Republican abolitionists like Lyman Trumbull and Senator Seward making such outrageous statements about slavery, how can the President deal with these people?
Scottie: The President is determined to be President of all the American people as you know.
Helen Thomas: What about the Red, Black, and Yellow People?
Raghubir Goyal: And the Indians?
Scottie: All the people who matter, except the women of course, and the abolitionists. Jim?
Jim Vanderhei: Scott in the wake of the John Brown raid last year, the Buchanan administration has been reported to have been prying under women's petticoats to determine if they are strapping copies of Uncle Tom's Cabin to their ankles. Isn't this a gross breach of womanhood and will the Administration allow Congress to review the program?
Scottie: The nation's security has been threatened by the disclosure of this program, which I can neither confirm nor deny, except to state that it is vital to the security of the nation and prevents dangerous abolitionist propaganda. We understand the sensitivity of women exposing their ankles, but we must keep the American people safe. Terry?
Terry Moran: Scott, reports now state that it is clear that John Brown did not possess NMDs, does the White House regret overselling the American people that Brown possessed Negroes of Mass Destruction?
Scottie: Terry, the President relied upon the best intelligence we had, and as you know the record is clear that John Brown did possess conventional negroes, and had used them against his own people, specifically the poor oppressed slave owners of Kansas. The world is clearly better off without John Brown and unless you are a 3/5ths of an American-hater, you cannot possibly disagree.Bill?
Bill Plante: Scott, some of the manservants and Pinkertons that were present at the time have disputed Vice-President Breckinridge's account of how he came to shoot his muzzleloader into Senator Sumner's face. Has the President sat down and talked to the Vice-President about this?
Scottie: Those are questions that are best left to the Vice-President's office, the President cannot answer any questions without knowing what the Vice-President desires. Dana?
Dana Bash: The Buchanan Administration has been talking a lot about the march of freedom in the territories, yet has endorsed the popular sovereignty movement which allows the spread of slavery into the occupied territories. Your critics have been quite vociferous in decrying this policy. Can the Administration clarify what it's policy is?
Scottie: Dana, as you know, the President said the other day, and I believe this is close to a quote, "We have popular sovereignty because it makes you sovereign and sovereignty is popular because you are sovereign." The wisdom of the President's statement is clear. This Administration is not like it's critics, who spread abolititionist lies. We believe that democracy is critical to freedom and if a people in their democratic freedom decide that freedom is too prescious to be allowed to some people, then that is what freedom is all about. Freedom is the freedom to make sure that others are not free. And since they are sovereign, they are free to popularly make unfree those for whom freedom is too important to be given freely. Les?
Les: Scott, the second century Roman Historian Seutonious warned us that nations that allow everyone to be free are a great danger to the freedom of all. With that in mind, is the President going to do anything to prevent the quickly growing power of the Chinaman?
Scottie: Les, as you know we are in favor of freedom to all for whom freedom is appropriate. Thank you and good afternoon everyone.
God, I hope the above is funny, it's a shitload out of my life (at least a half-hour) if it isn't.
Do you folks want long form sketches?
UPDATE:
The Patron Saint of Gaggling has noticed (as opposed to Kate O'Beirne the Patron Saint of Gagging).
No comments:
Post a Comment