Atta J. Turk's Trusty NFL Picks

I suppose I could put this in Star Trekese -- you know how they make some statement like "You know, Mr. Chekov the great writers, Shakespeare, Tolstoy, Twain, Shalmoz of Talos III..." there's always that kicker that is just a bit "dickish" enough to let you know in the future and in space we'll still be pulling shit like 'freedom fries'. So let me do it with the NFL.

There have been a lot of great games in the NFL this year. The two Viking-Packer games, the Patriots and the Colts, the Giants and the Chargers and the Browns at the Lions. That's right, dickish. And so we go to week ll and everybody plays their 10th game -- no more byes. Last week I was 4 and 2 and boosting my record up to 39 and 21. That's pretty good and certainly less revealing of idiocy than ESPN having Matt Millen do games in Michigan.

And with that said:

Browns at Lions: Will anyone watch this game? Well, anyone that isn't having hot candle wax dumped on their balls or under the spell of a vicious cutting fetish? Oh, that's not fair. Lion and Brown fans will be watching it, because it is pretty much each teams last chance at a win in 2010. "We're Number 31, We're Number 31!". I've seen enough of both these clubs to pretty much last me a lifetime, but at least the Lions appear to have a pulse. Now that Jamarcus Russell is on the bench, congratulations Browns, you have the worst starting QB in the league. Take the Lions and hide your shame.

Colts at Ravens: Something must be done to take Peyton Manning's gigantic forehead down a notch. It's really rather freakish. His slackjawed, always seemingly overwhelmed younger brother, doesn't have this problem. Oh sure, they both have those slumped-assed shoulders but Eli has a normal, non-hydro-cephalic forehead. What gives, really? There's no real logical reason for me to pick the Ravens -- it's not like I should be overwhelmingly impressed by their performance against the Browns on Monday -- essentially they just stood around and waited for the Browns to suck themselves down. But still, there won't be a hangover as they didn't exactly engage in anything other than a glorified scrimmage. But I have to think eventually the Colts will stumble enough for a decent team to beat them. i'm going to say it is this day, take the Ravens. And if it's a rout, look at Manning on the sideline. When he wears a ball-cap his head still looks like one of those "racing sausages" at a Milwaukee Brewers game.

Redskins at Cowboys: Once again I enact my rule of always choosing against the team with the most offensive symbol (granted it is only referred to when I pick against the Redskins). Somehow the Redskins looked like a real NFL team last week and beat a decent, though fading, Broncos team. I have no idea how this happened, but it will not be a trend. Cowboys will win.

Steelers at Chiefs: Have you noticed that Chris Berman has started annoying America outside of the ESPN studios? In this case he's badgering us for Applebees, which is to restaurants what ESPN is to sports -- with fewer lizard heads and probably more sex harassment per capita. This follows a period of time where Berman was amongst many sports-whores pushing Nutri-System. I'm pretty sure some cheese-slathered double-beef-jalepeno-batter-dipped bacon burger with a 98 oz beer is not on the Nutri-System approved list. What does this have to do with the Steelers and Chiefs? Why nothing goddammit. But do you really expect the Chiefs to win this game? I don't because I'm within a chili cheese-fry of sanity. Take the Steelers.

Chargers at Broncos: A few weeks ago everybody thought this division was over, but the Broncos did a lot of their winning with mirrors, now they are missing Kyle Orton, patron saint of the pubic-neckbeard. I'm pretty sure many people never expected this to be typed, but unlike Jay Cutler, Kyle Orton cannot be adequately replaced. It's highly unlike he'll play. Meanwhile, the Chargers are playing well and they are led by the world's most talented goofy-ass hillbilly. Seriously, look at Rivers throw, what the fuck kind of throwing motion is that? But somehow it works. I shouldn't feel this confident, but I do. Take the Chargers.

Titans at Texans: So the old Houston Team, the original team, with the original owner who moved when Houston wouldn't give him a stadium, comes and plays the new Houston team in their new stadium. Just how many hundreds of thousands is a new double-barrelled shooting the bird dance worth for Bud Adams now? The Titans are playing well, having rolled off three in a row under the no longer suicidal Vince Young and the very talented and fast Chris Johnson. The Texans meanwhile have a shitty run defense. Naturally, I'm taking the Texans.