Homeland Security Warning

Atta J. Turk and I would like (for once and perhaps the only time) echo this warning from the Department of Homeland Security:

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

To: American Cooks

From: Department of Homeland Security

Re: Proper Turkey Cooking Procedures

Dear Americans,

The Department of Homeland Security cares about you. After numerous house fires have already been reported to the Department, we pass on the following safety tips to you:

As you prepare to deep fry your turkeys please note the following:

1. Do not deep fry your frozen turkey stuffed with frozen chicken stuffed with frozen duck stuffed with fireworks.

2. Do not deep fry your frozen turkey stuffed with frozen chicken stuffed with frozen duck stuffed with fireworks in the middle of the carpeted living room.

3. Do not deep fry your frozen turkey stuffed with frozen chicken stuffed with frozen duck stuffed with fireworks in the middle of the carpeted living room balanced on the snack plate on the coffee table surrounded by candles.

4. Do not deep fry your frozen turkey stuffed with frozen chicken stuffed with frozen duck stuffed with fireworks in the middle of the carpeted living room balanced on the snack plate on the coffee table surrounded by candles and playing children.

5. Do not deep fry your frozen tofu turkey stuffed with frozen tofu chicken stuffed with frozen tofu duck stuffed with tofu fireworks in the middle of the carpeted living room balanced on the tofu snack plate on the coffee table surrounded by tofu candles.

6. Do not deep fry your frozen turkey stuffed with frozen chicken stuffed with frozen duck stuffed with fireworks and guns in the middle of the carpeted living room balanced on the snack plate on the coffee table surrounded by candles and adult males watching football.  In fact, it is a good idea to have little food around males watching football unless you have hired -- in advance -- a cleaning team.

7. Never deep fry candy bars stuffed with loaded guns. Please.

On behalf of the Department, we wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving holiday!

Sincerely,

The Homeland Security Threat Determination Department

Division 16, Section V

Non-Disclosed Location 9

Cheney Bunker

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*