How to become a Republican President

After much careful analysis and sleepless nights since early November, I have finally arrived at a political epiphany that explains how against all sane advice, Bush won an election. He followed a series of time tested standards that the Republican party have been working on since Goldwater (if not earlier). Let's review these rules for political life:

1. Attack, attack, attack and then attack some more. If your candidate has a strength (say virtue in the case of Jimmy Carter or being a war hero in the case of John Kerry) you find a way to turn that strength into a weakness. You redefine it. "Bah, medals... He did not earn any stinkin' medals!!" If you have to lie, that's ok just don't admit that you lied or attack the people (more than likely reporters) who are calling you a liar. Nothing works better than an ad hominem.

2. Pretend to be like the "little people." Use whatever language, idiom, twang, curl, or snarl -- no, forget that last one -- that will make people think that you are one of them. Now to pull this off you must be comfortable with not knowing much about the people. Just have an affable way about you, smile, make goofs, and nickname people. Having a lot of silly nicknames always endears the class goof with the rest of the class. "Who can hate ol, silly bean? Why he's harmless." If you can pretend and people overlook the fact that you had affairs and were a randy lad (say, um Saint Reagan before he married Nancy) or went to an elite school and was part of an elite social group (both Bushes) then you are in like Flynn.

3. Don't do much as a lower politician, say like being a governor. What you do is focused on bringing together a base of supporters, base of followers, and hopefully zealots who will do almost anything for you (or more importantly your campaign) because you are "our guy." Hold them at bay but give them enough to think that you are "our guy." Tell them repeatedly how you are nothing and they are everything because you are "our guy." Note: this works best with people who hold strong religious opinions but have been on the outs with the political establishment.

4. Campaigns should be stupid. No, no... Make that stoopid. No big ideas, no big plans... simple, simple, simple. Talk about values because no one knows what that really means. But make sure that you talk (or look like you are talking) earnestly with intensity. Yeah, the 'earnesty' stuff is very important because people who see you as "our guy" have to believe you and so do some other folks out there who don't know who you are or don't really care for most of the time.

5. Remember that if anything goes wrong... I mean anything! And no matter how big it is... No matter if people die. Regardless if a LOT of people die, never ever, ever, ever admit that you did anything the least bit wrong. I cannot stress how important this strategy is for your long term success. No matter how badly a plan, campaign, idea, war, notion, approach goes, you did nothing wrong. In fact, you stuck to your principles. Yes, yes say principles a lot. Don't forget to mention your values again.

6. Find someone to blame for things. But remember rule #5, you did not make any mistakes so your underlings like, I don't know... Your press secretary should hint (or if things are bad, go all out) that the previous administration, politician, accountant, dog catcher is the one who is responsible for whatever the problem is. Now please be careful with this one because there is no problem with what you are doing, the problem lies in what the other party, person, etc... did. Keep the focus on you are bright and positive and sunny and the other person as well, shit. Oh, important side note, it doesn't matter if you have the facts to back all this up, just say it over and over and over... and you will be surprised at how easily people (mostly reporters, but the people too) don't check their facts.

7. Learn how to stop blinking at all the bright lights. This is bad. People think that there is something wrong with you because of this. Don't worry if you mess up a speech, talk, conversation, etc... because you will still seem like one of "the people." But someone who is a blinking station will make people think that they have something wrong with them. And you don't want that, even if it is true.

8. Make sure that you are a member of the Republican Party because they have all the money, the corporate (and criminal) connections which will help you build your attack campaigns. Actually believing in balanced budgets and small government is optional.

9. Find one (two might be too many) issue that you pursue your entire career, say something like reforming social security. Talk about it off and on your entire career. Remember to keep it stoopid and that facts don't matter.

10. Make sure that you have a cool guy (maybe gal someday) image. Drive a pickup truck. Own a farm or a ranch. Dress down once in a while. Bring the reporters (they love this, its not slumming at all for them). Find some stoopid way to bond with the reporters, that way they find it hard to write bad things about you. Even if they are true. It worked for Reagan, it worked for Bush II... not so well for Bush I and Ford so don't over play it.

If anyone of us follow these simple rules, I have no doubt that in a few decades, any of us could become a Republican president.