Sunday, September 27, 2009

Atta J. Turk's "Trusty" NFL Picks

Well after going 4 and 2 in week one, I went 2 and 4 last week which means I am .500 at picking games straight up. Which is not very good -- but certainly good enough to get me a gig on ESPN Deportes. And a much higher percentage than the combined panelists of the Chris Matthews Show ("tell me something I don't know?" -- Well, Chris, you're creating a rather broad swath of things for me to choose from. For example, did you know that gelatin is essentially ground up cow bones? Did you know Frankfort is the capitol of Kentucky? Did you know you are a gigantic douchebag?)

Anyhoo, I'll try to do better -- and remember if you are using my picks for gambling purposes, you deserve to lose money.

Washington at Detroit
: Many prognosticators feeling the need to just say something provocative other than Tom Brady married beneath him are picking the Lions to beat the Redskins. Now look, it's hard not to cheer for the Lions -- they suck so bad, their fans deserve a win so much -- and there's only so much alcohol (but this is too cruel). But once again, my policy is to state when it suits my purposes that the team with the most superfluously inappropriate name and helmet will beat the team it should beat. You can ignore this when I repeatedly violate this policy in the following weeks because I will. Sorry Detroit. So very sorry.

Indianapolis at Arizona
: I think it's important that in a match up between Peyton Manning and Kurt Warner that the announcers be required to discuss Brett Favre. Indy is coming off a Monday night game on the road and then playing on Sunday on the road. My sixth sense that comes with all prognostication tells me that this should matter. So I'll take the Cardinals.

Green Bay at St. Louis
: Hey, I need to be sure of winning one game this week. The Packers were delightfully sucky last week, which delighted me to no end as they have been incredibly over-hyped coming out of the preseason. Plus, I'm from Minnesota so I'm just wired to enjoy them getting beaten. But some rationality has to prevail and as much as I might wish it otherwise, the Rams are miserable and determined to show it in front of their fans who apparently are there because they couldn't get tickets to see the Cardinals. Packers prevail rather easily.

Jacksonville at Houston: I'm sure this was the game you were waiting for me to pick. The whole world revolves around awaiting this game's outcome. Oh, who am I kidding? The real purpose of this post might as well be for me to deride ESPN's makeup or directors as I watch this morning's SportsCenter. Cindy Brunson seems a very competent newsreader and has a sort of mature, intelligent, sexiness about her. Sort of a 'Tina Fey for the Jock Crowd' thing going on. But somebody needs to tell her to lay off the pancake makeup and heavy eye mascara. You're not Tammy Faye Baker -- oy. Oh yeah, I better pick a winner here, Cindy's Avon Rep. suggests the Texans and who am I to disagree?

San Francisco at Minnesota
: Minnesota has beaten two relative chumps handily but San Francisco won two in the NFC West and I don't care if the Cardinals made it to the Super Bowl last year, they were asleep until last week. Everybody pays attention to Favre, but the Vikings Defense and Peterson is why they win and why they'll win this week. But as sick as the whole Favre soap opera is, much of it comes from media's incessant focus of it. Peter King for example, has a definite feel of a spurned lover in talking about him, when, in fact, he should be delighted. Look Peter, you moved to Boston in a thinly-veiled effort to be close to your new spouse Tom Brady -- having given up the idea of moving to Northeast Wisconsin. Tim Tebow doesn't come out until next year (and by the way, Tebow come out already) so really Favre came back for one more year for you baby. It's sad you're acting so upset about it.

Aw dammit, I have to pick one more game to live up to the bullshit rules I made for myself and that nobody else cares about.


Denver at Oakland
: JaMarcus Russell sure looks impressive standing on sidelines and in warm ups. But then he has to play and he completes 8 out of 27 passes or something and appears to set the QB position back to the single-wing era and he's throwing a rugby ball to Don Hutson's less talented brother George W. Hutson. You've got to be a special version of shitty to complete less than 40 percent of your throws in the modern NFL game. But the Raiders are just the team to break the stereotype about need to throw the ball effectively. There's no logical reason to say this but the Raiders are almost 2 and 0 despite the fact their QB is horrendously awful. I think this game is a breakthrough -- Russell will have the game Raider fans dream of and complete a percentage of passes admirable for pee wee football and complete 5 of 12 and the Raiders will win, just pass the Autumn Wind baby!

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