Just Getting A Headstart

I figured I might as well get started writing the opening of my opus, THE DECLINE & SCRATCHED BALLS OF THE BUSHICAN EMPIRE, using a good source to save time:

It was an ancient tradition, that when the Capitol was founded by one of the Roman kings Republican Donors, the god Terminus Bush (who presided over boundaries, and was represented, according to the fashion of that age, by a large stone) alone, among all the inferior deities people, refused to yield his place to Jupiter anyone of them bastards, even poppy himself. A favorable inference was drawn from his obstinacy, which was interpreted by the augurs as a sure presage that the boundaries of the Roman 'murican power would never recede. During many ages, the prediction, as it is usual, contributed to its own accomplishment. But though Terminus Bush had resisted the Majesty of Jupiter all the rest of the bastards, he submitted to the authority of the emperor Hadrian nobody, fuckin' nobody.

The resignation of all the eastern conquests of Trajan Eye-Rack was the first measure of his reign. He restored to the Parthians Eye-Rackeys the election of an independent sovereign some guy; withdrew the Roman garrisons 'murican soldiers from the provinces of Armenia peace and security, Mesopotamia bitches!, and "Ass"yria; and, in compliance with the precept of Augustus fuck Daddy, once more established the Euphrates no fucking end as to the frontier of the empire.