Ask Dr. Attaturk, February 12, 2005

Question 1:

Why do people hate my husband so much? Is it because I'm black and he's white? Is it because I'm well-educated and he's dumb as a brick? Is it
because he's also married to another woman, and she's white? Is it because he takes from the poor and gives to the rich? Is it because he gave up liquor? Is it because he loves the Lord? Is it because people say it's not right to marry people who work for you? WHY? WHY do people hate my husband so much?

I'm afraid to get off the plane now,

My Husband's Wife

Dear MHW,

Perhaps you don't realize it, but if you do not live in Utah, and even there more often, folks just don't like the concept of bigamy.

Oh, believe me I know. Years ago, during the Carter years, Dr. Atta J. Turk, discovered just how lucrative the "guru" business could be. That was really the golden age of being a charismatic cult leader -- we'll until the current Cult of the Chimperor reintroduced us to the concept.

I mean the 1970s were great for that sort of thing. Where Mao had spent much of the 1960s sucking up all the cult Karma, his death really opened the doors for your Marcos, your Pol Pots, your "Doc" this or that. And even in this country, it started to become more popular, and Dr. Turk is many things, but unable to notice a trend is not one of them.

It all started where I invented something called "Pet Dirt", and it really grew into the multinational commodity known as "Thefingerhut", a mail order business selling various soils and battery-powered sex toys. We made money, and dammit we saved souls. But granted the power did sort of go to my head. I made up my own Opium Bar in the basement of my 45,000 square foot mansion set in the wilds of the Yukon Territory. I dispensed constant streams of advice such as "If you are worried about something, give money to me and I'll tell you things will be okay...as long as you give more money to me...and have yourself a large dildo buried in the finest Wisconsin topsoil."

A side benefit was the development of a harum of wives, where we had constant orgies of sex and basket-making.

It all came apart when the fucking Canadians honored that damn extradition treaty. But it gave me insight into a new form of multiple marriage, in my role as Prison-Bitch at the Stillwater State Penitentiary in Minnesota. With my partners Hakim, Gunther, and Raul -- we had a mixed race grouping to be sure. Ah the times we had!

...I'm sorry what was the question?

I think people hate your husband because he is an arrogant boob that cannot put a sentence together.



Question 2:

Dear Dr. Atta J. Turk:

Why does my head explode when I hear Dear Leader mis-pro-nounc-iate even small words?

Thank you, Blue American.

Because freedom isn't free, though it can be remarkably hard for our Chimperor to say.

During my time on Oprah, as the advice guru, before that a-hole Dr. "fucking" Phil bogarted me out of my spot by sucking up to Oprah..."Good point Oprah this" and "always listen to Oprah that". Fucking big-boned, small-pricked Texan!

Sorry, some repressed anger there. Must breathe deeply...go to my happy place...my happy place...

As I was saying, some of you may remember my time as Oprah's dispenser of psychological advice in the mid-1990s. It was during that time that I was invited to address the "American Society of Sociopathic Federal Underwriters, Copysetters, and Keynote Speakers" in Austin, Texas. It was at that time that I first encountered then Texas Governor George Bush. He was, in essense my warm up act. We chatted at the time and he even gave me the nickname of "Turkeydurkee" and I called him "Motherfucker".

After that we didn't have much contact. But I was aware even then of the truth. That Mr. Bush speaks in tongues at all times. What you are hearing is the holy spirit passing through him. At least that's what Karen Hughes told me, and I believed her, because I had it on good authority that the Shriners had been in town the week before and when one of them challenged that explanation she ripped the fez off his body with her bare hands...with the head still attached!

I hope that answers your question.