Ask Dr. Attaturk, February 26, 2005

Question #1:

Dair Ameri-cane Blog-Mastair!

Moiself and mon buddee are motair-ing ay-cross ziss beautiful cone-tree of yairs! our cycle du mo-tair (eez dat zee coh-rect pronunciacion?) kaips braiking down and zere are many skeeds into zee deetches along zee way!

But we air young French-mans een love, so we just lie in zee deetch in each aither's mainly arms and je t'aime hourselves fair a while! Sunshine ou rain (drenchee du downpour). And zen!, we haul our sailves back up by hour own boot-straps (no?), get back on hour cycle du mo-tair and zoom!, we hair back on zee road again!

To zee pwoint! We have run vairrrry low on moaney! And good Frainch chaisse (chaisse you cain smell! Chaisse wiz zee colour!) No truffles since we laift our little villaige en Burghundy! We moust to sztop and work for a whaile somewhere! Prefairably in a "rail" Americain ranch! To get zee "rail" Americain expair-i-ants!

We wraite to you, Maister Americane Blog-Maister!, from hour wi-fi Black-bairy just inside zee bordair of le huge Etat du Texas! Any idea where "deux lapins du Francais" could seek employmaint as le Cowboys? We have strong baicks and give a good day-long labor!

Down on moaney but szo vairry high on L'estats de Unis!

Pierre (et Jacques)
"Yippy-ti-yay!" (correct?)

Ah, France. I very much remember my last time in France. It was at last years Cannes film festival. Dr. Atta J. Turk had just been hired as a consultant on film violence by the Belgian Film Board of Southern Louisiana. Oh, the time I had, brunch with Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith's synthetic breasts (which are often taken out for their own stroll when Melanie is tired); Late lunch with Mel Gibson where he continually asked me whether or not I was Jewish; cocktails with Vince Vaughan, casual sex with Nicole Richie (Attaturk is well-known, but not well-known enough to shag Paris Hilton -- I know that seems hard to believe)

Sorry, wandered a bit there. If you can handle horses, there is a faux-dude ranch in Crawford, Texas that needs men that are not afraid of them. I'd check there.





Question #2:

Dear Dr. Atta J. Turk,

I am a "journalist" with a "news service" who until recently belonged to the White House "Press" Corps. Because my "news service" paid me only a "stipend," I found it necessary to moonlight as a "personal trainer." In this capacity, I meet a lot of men, ("cut" and "uncut") who need "training." There has been a lot of "misinformation" about my "service." Apparently, remarks on my website about being a "verbal, aggressive top" have left the "impression" that I am some kind of "prostitute."

"They dug deep for dirt, dredging up things long past and erecting a fantasy world worthy of a Vince Flynn novel. What they found is domain names and sexy pictures from which sprung rumors and conspiracy theories. Based on some of the emails I’ve received, many of these people were conflicted with hatred for my politics and tingling they experienced while viewing pictures said to be me."

"As per the advice of my highly-paid legal team" I cannot deny any of this "fabrication," because to do so might compromise my ability to sue those who are "telling the truth" about my "personal life."

Dr. Turk, you are the only one I can turn to. What should I do?

Sincerely,

"Kathryn Lopez"

If I were you I'd contact this fellow.

Question No. 3:

Yo Dude,

If if our beeloved pressadent can go to Urup how does he keep from fallin off the end of the wurld?

Home Skoold Cristyun

Like Eleanor Roosevelt, the youngest son of the higher father can fly.

Question No. 4:

Greetings, Comrade!

Recently I invited a guest over for a little babka and tea. This guest is a good friend of mine, but seems to have forgotten his manners. First, he brought along both his wife and mistress, forcing us all into his own little charade. Later, while we were in a room with many people, this friend decided to lecture me about the state of my residence, even while his own place is falling apart.

Of course I had the decency to keep my opinions to myself in public, but I cannot let this insult stand. How can I get my friend to understand that it is rude to throw rocks at his friends while he is standing in a giant bubble?

-- Vlad

If I were you I'd close your soul off from view. If doesn't do you much good to let a man look into your soul when his soul cannot be found. But then again, I am familiar with your record Vlad and I do believe that two souless people can probably perceive and appreciate each others lack of depth.