My Bloody Valentine

Somewhere in the bowels of suburban Virginia a clang emits from the front entry way at the Coulter Lair.

*Clang, Clang, Clang*

Ann Coulter sits in her black leather medieval-inspired living room, a large fire burning in her fire place, the fire fueled by stacked paper and straw effigies of various Kennedys.

*Clang, Clang, Clang*

Ann Coulter: (in an annoyed voice) Consuella? Consuella! Are you going to answer that, or are you going to pretend its the INS again?

*Clang, Clang, Clang*

Consuella: (with thick Honduran accept) I am locked in ze closet Meez Coulter, remember you leeft me in here yesterday. And please, I'm so hungry.

Ann Coulter: Shut Up, you stupid third world heathen. If you don't knock it off immediately, I'll sell your remaining kidney!

Consuella: I'm not a heathen, I'm Catholic.

Ann Coulter: Shut Up! If you'd have been legally here, who knows what damage you could have done, what with having to pay social security taxes or voting for Kerry, I shudder to think about it. You just stay down there in your manacles. Apparently, I as a right-thinking Republican have to do all the work around here.

*Clang, Clang, Clang*

Ann Coulter: I'm coming you annoying fuck.

[opens large door, which makes a echoing metallic noise]

[As the door opens, it is a Postal Delivery person, a woman]

Ann Coulter: Oh great a unionized, clerical, postal woman. The world was better when women didn't do anything but wear corsetts and take their opium in absinthe.

Postal Worker: Registered package for you, uh, Ma'am? I need you to sign for it.

Ann Coulter: I'm tired of you and your socialistic restrictions. You people are the reason we lost the Vientnam War?

Postal Worker: The Postal System lost Vietnam?

Ann Coulter: Be quiet and take your scorn like a man, you stupid woman.

[Coulter grabs package and slams door without signing]

Ann Coulter: Oh look, a Valentine for me. It's from Sean Hannity, and there is a note.

"Dear Ann,

On this Valentine's Day, I wanted to thank you for that magical night you beat me with a cudgel, stabbed me with a shiv, poured hot candlewax on my nipples, and finally allowed me to use my hands to stroke you to sweet release. Never in my life have I loved another androgynous she-man beast more than I love you. I'm sorry for that night I spent with Kellyann Fitzpatrick, and you need to know that I was forced into that position with Karen Hughes...her hands so cold, and strong, so strong.

Please accept this as a token of my love and affection, and a hope that soon you can place those closepins upon my breasts and give me the barium enema of love you promised me that magical night.

I give you Alan Combes testicles.

Love,

Sean."

[Ann a first emits a sly smile, her adams apple bobs up and down as her thin lips tremble. But then her chin clinches, her long bony fingers squeeze the box, and a look of anger comes over her].

Ann Coulter: That bastard gave me those last year!