Ask Dr. Attaturk, February 5, 2005

Letter No. 1:

Dear Dr. Attaturk,

I'm having a little trouble with the liberal media, particularly the so-called "independent" liberal media, America-hating pinkos that they are. Every day and night I blather endlessly about how they are destroying the country. I keep fighting the good fight and yet they don't submit to my will. I've tried telling them to shut the hell up, I've insulted them, I've belittled them, I've lied about them, I've demonized them, I've threatened them, but still, STILL, they continue to exist.

I really hate these people and I want them to worship me as I spit on them. So, my question is, why won't they just shut up and start kissing my ass like they should?

Insincerely,
Spinner O'Ribbentrop

Dear Spinner,

Do you not know that Freedom is on the March? Oh sure, not the type of freedom that the alternative media keeps carrying on and on about. You know, freedom of expression, freedom of worship, freedom of assembly. Those are, as you could so easily express, "tired old freedoms".

No the type of freedom that is on the march, are these type of freedoms:

-- Freedom from Responsibilty;
-- Freedom to kick ass;
-- Freedom to take names;
-- Freedom to cut taxes;
-- Freedom to live like the rich person you are;
-- Freedom to worship any religion, as long as it is the right one;
-- Freedom to think about Freedom as listed above;
-- And finally, Freedom to express just how much we love our Freedom!

Tiny flags and car magnets for all!

So don't let those little gnats decrying the restrictions of liberty get you down. You know full well, that Freedom isn't free, unless you're really rich. No, Freedom is whatever we say it is, and that is the cost of Freedom.

Follow?



Letter No. 2:

Hey Doc,

What body part should I dye purple in order to join my leaders in Congress when they dip their fingers whenever Chimpy has a big speech at the Dome?

Sincerely,

Manly Beast

Dear Manly,

Given what I saw from our Congressional Freedom Followers, I would suggest you get used to a purple sphincter.


Letter No. 3:

It's clear that the leader of the delusioned world and his crusty dick are quick to jump when it's pointed out by a few that Iraq could attack or social security could fail or Canadian drugs could be bad and so on. But why when so many warn about the ill effects of global warming do they look on the bright side?

Signed,

Angry Granola-Lover

Dear Granola-Lover,

See the answer to the first question. But let me elaborate a bit.

Freedom to Dear Leader and "Mr. Dick" means alternatively the Freedom to create one's own reality and then making sure that this meta-reality, this "better" reality is enforced as truth about the land.

Dear Leader and his sidekick would like to remind you that Canadian drugs are dangerous in that they could turn you into a mullet-wearing, hockey-loving, beer-drinking person, demanding your low-cost medical care that is open to all.

No, they say, it is much better to be a follower of theirs so you can be a mullet-wearing, NASCAR-loving, beer drinking person, demanding that 'Murica haters shut up and do as Dear Leader says for he truly embodies the spirit of #3!

Further, they might add, these global warming thingys will never occur while they and their old, rich, friends are alive, so why should you worry -- they'll be okay.


Letter No. 4:

Mr. Attaturk,

Why does no one ask the following question to the administration flacks. “If we have truly fully trained 120,000 Iraq military, then why can’t we withdraw 120,000 US troops?”.

Sincerely,

Angered Baghdaddy

Once again remember that Freedom is on the March, and the Iraqi people have been liberated. But you cannot make a people free and sovereign by entrusting them to do things by themselves.

No, the new sovereignty means sovereignty with the presence of our 'murican freedom fighters, our freedom loving 'Murican corporations, having you forget about your old culture and enjoy a good Starbucks Magnum Cum Grande Latte, and a GI Joe Action figure, while growing those seeds from a patriotic 'Murican business like Monsanto. For Freedom isn't free and can only be obtained through Freedom loving 'Murican corporations. That is the new lesson of Freedom that we are teaching the Iraqi people. So you folks should just settle down, shut up, and enjoy your freedom.

Freedom for the Iraqis is too precious to be entrusted to simply free Iraqis.


Letter No. 5:

Dear Mustafa Kemal:You, if anyone, will know how to help with my problem.I am the leader of a large, forward looking, secular democracy situatedbetween Europe and Asia. Since our founding, we have found orselves inconflict within due to minority groups who are not forward-looking. Since theend of World War II, we have also been the faithful friends of a largesuperpower on the other side of the world, even when our friendship upset theneighbors.Recently, our friend has been visiting a neighboring country and carrying onin such a way that, not only is the neighborhood even more upset, but acertain problem minority has gained political power, weapons, and a baseright at our back door.The leader of our friends is sending his girlfriend to talk to us. I don'ttrust her.What would you do?Bummed Out in the Bosphorus,Your admirer "Tay"

I suggest fewer burkas and more Doc Martens. I know your country has some nice big churches that have been made into worship places for other religions.

Well that just isn't going to cut it nowadays in the new world of Liberty and Freedom being created.

I suggest making a few "minor" changes to your faith.

First of all, stop getting together and praying towards some place 7 times a day. That is just gouche. No be like freedom loving 'Murican religious patriots and get yourself a model of a 9-week old fetus and parade it around like you found it in a garbage can.

Second, stop thinking that life's wisdom is found in some book spelled with a "Q" and accept more englishy sounding books as true. Nobody ever misspells "Bible" you know. That has to indicate something!

Third, stop thinking one bedouin guy was a prophet who talked to God. That is just nutty. Start worshipping something more practical and believable, like a guy being born to a virgin and who was the direct representation of God in the Flesh, walked around and talked a bit, then got strung up on a piece of wood, only to come back to life, roll a stone away and leave his image on a piece of cloth in indication of this true divinity! I've observed the way you folks conduct yourselves and you already share the knack of killing people for no reason other than their religious beliefs -- hell a decent religion like we have here in 'Murica got that down a long time ago, so we are sure you guys have the stuff in you to get it right. So get off your non-pork eatin' asses and start worshiping the Jeebus.

And just because you get rid of the Burkas, that doesn't mean complete debauchery, especially nudity, why even our former chief law enforcer was shocked to see a statuary with a bosom upon it...


So don't worry you can be assimilated.

Fourth, dump soccer for goodness sake and start realizing it's Super Bowl weekend, have some wings and chili.