benedictxvi@vatican.va

Dear Popesatzgruppen;

I know that you are a busy man, what with the excommunicating of people who support those afflicted with "the gay"; the denial of Jesus Crackers and Hi-C to those who support using rubber devices; and, of course, waving from your window. Nevertheless, I wish to ask a favor and to urge action on a crisis involving all humanity.

You see, your Popiness, I've noticed that you've been "Jesus No. 1 Fan" and all for a couple of weeks. Yet, you haven't gotten out of the Vatican Apartments much, in fact, at your "internment" I couldn't help but notice that you were not riding around in the encased Popemobile.

Your humble supplicant Attaturk is still driving around in a car made in the last century.

Frankly, it is depriving me of my stylin' and my ability to be a hit with the ladies. Not that I would attempt to violate any of the commandments about sexual intercourse in the Bible mind you. Just heavy petting, which I believe is allowed per the Book of Ernie, Chapter 3, verse 13, where the the Lord is heard to command, "Thou shall not enter the woman through any pore, but rubbing oneth out is permitted as long as my name beith shouted earnestly."

Now I know the Vatican has an available Popemobile, but I've been at autoshopper.com several times in the last few days and I have yet to see anything. Nor have Attaturk's searches at E-Bay turned up much.

Nevertheless, since it appears it is not being used by the Bishop of Rome, can you make it available to me?

You cannot imagine what a hit I would be with the sisters if I could say that you allowed me to "Pope My Ride".

Anyhow, feel free to reply to me if this is available. If there is a Bingo game being set up for the purpose of rafflin' the sucker off, I would want to know that too. Thanks.

Second, Holy Furher, as you know I have been e-mailing you for a few weeks now -- and I enjoy it, I hope you feel the same. I know that I did not invent the medium of writing letters and then letting others see it used. Nevertheless, I believe it is important, if not vital, for the sake of the premise that it be done with talent and aplomb. It hurts me deep inside when the device is used in a ham-handed fashion -- like it hurts you when one of your priests is exposed as a pederast (that does hurt you right?).

So your Holiness, I think it is important that you consider a fatwa, oops sorry, an encyclical, against the poor use of such techniques by lame game-show hosts. I think this is important, and I think it should be nipped in the bud as soon as possible.

I know that, like all germans, you are famous for your sense of humor. But there are some things that are beyond the pale.

I tried to warn your predecessor John Paul II about this when Bob Barker was out writing up how people should be neutering dogs and feeling up woman, but he did not respond to my entreaties.

Your Popeness, the peril of the gameshow host menace has been with us ever since Vatican II allowed non-latin speaking broadcasts to be made. We must act now. If you need further advice do let me know.

Oh, and don't forget about the wheels.

Thanks, Meister Pope.