Ask Dr. Attaturk, August 13, 2005

Question No. 1:

Look, it's been over a day and I gotta get out of here REAL BAD.
Problem is, Bob's asshole is closed up even tighter than Fort Knox. Nothing's
moving!

What gives?

From inside the Prince of Darkness,

Two-Day Old Novak Business

What your host is suffering from is Robert Hanssen disease. It is a common affliction among traitors, especially ones all ready puffed up with ego beyond that of normal persons, it is commonly known as "Opus Deadinside". There are a few benefits of this anus clench, for example commonly those suffering from it are quite popular in Federal "Pound Me in the Ass" Prisons. Lucky for your host.


Question No. 2:

Doctor Turk,

I have a recurring pain that maybe you can help me with. The pain
gets worse when the Democrats like Joe Biden say that "both sides" of
the "evolution debate" should be taught. This is happening more and
more frequently and some days I have to just stay in bed with a cold
compress on my head. What should I do?

Wait a few ten thousand years and then laugh your head off...or wait a million and laugh bot of your heads off!

Now, I know what you're thinking, "but Dr. Atta J. Turk" I won't live that long? That's where the beautiful symmetry of your question comes in. Take your MBNA Credit Card, get your credit limit upped, and then call the nearest Cryogenic Lab and charge for the special "deep freeze" option. Set defrost for a time in the distant future and huzzah, you've solved your problem.