And now, special holiday messages from the NSC and DoD...

To Mr. Raymond Demeter of Portland, Maine:

You were not honest with your mother when you told her that you loved the new sweater she got you. We all now that red & white vertical stripes on a sweater make you look like a fat barber pole, or a giant peppermint prick. Why did you not tell her? Don't you know that dishonesty is saved only for the highest levels of government?

P.S. Try to talk a little louder next time.

To Mr. Ted McCarthy, West Allis, Wisconsin:

We understand that you did not want to go to Christmas Eve services this year. Come on now, we all know that you went to the 24 hour adult bookstore and bought a four hour DVD compilation called "Giant Knockers & Bubble Butts". Is that really how you wanted to spend that Christmas bonus? You know your ex-wife has been telling you that little Ted needs braces.

To Ms. Anna-Joan Johnson-Parker, Waco, Texas:

A very special greeting from all the boys here in Department Z of the NSC. Your special description of what you were doing with that candy cane & egg nog really lifted up the spirits of those of us stuck here on the Christmas Eve shift. Sure your husband in Iraq seemed to be enjoying himself between the heavy sobbing, but we're sure that some decade or another the Iraqi's will run out of triggering devices on the IEDs.

In the meantime, our supervisor would like to know if you have any plans for New Years?

To Mr. John Peterson, Knoxville, Tennessee:

Nice save when your wife picked up the phone while you were talking to your mistress. Telling her it was your long-lost sister discussing her recent performance in the World Gymnastics Championships was quite credible (the "backdoor pommel horse"?). All of us here in Department Z were really convinced. Enjoy all that spit in your scrambled eggs over the holidays.