Tomorrow: Recipes for the New Year

Like we did last year, the middling triumvirate will not abandon you and your lonely, sad, existence on New Year's Day.

For our lives are even sadder. So tomorrow we will for the second straight year provide you with recipes for you and your family (Ha! family - who are we kidding?*) to try out in 2006.

For example here is one of last year's recipes:

RAPTURE COOKIES




INGREDIENTS:
1 cup butter, softened
1 cup white sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon of jewish extract, or add to distaste
3 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/8 pound of chopped, but handled snake
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 chapter revelations
1/4 cup heavy whipping cream
1/2 cup colored sugar for decoration


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DIRECTIONS:
In a conservatively festive looking medium bowl, stir together the butter and sugar. Pray. Stir in the eggs and vanilla. Sift together the flour and baking powder, stir into the creamed mixture alternately with the heavy cream. Pray. Cover dough, and chill for 2 to 3 hours, until firm. May place close to womb to decrease necessary chilling time.

Preheat oven to 911 degrees F (488.33333333333337 degrees C, but we do not believe in that commie stuff). Add book, preferably one written by Charles Darwin. Annoint cookie sheet with crisco like you're John Ashcroft being appointed lord high texecutioner.

On a lightly floured surface, roll out the dough to 1/4 inch thickness. Cut into desired shapes with cookie cutters (we suggest, Jesus, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush, Laura Bush, Ariel Sharon (with double sized recipe only) or the tortured image of damned Andrew Sullivan, available at www.raptureiscomingsoonyouheathenfornicators.com). Pray.

Place cookies 1 inch apart on the prepared cookie sheets. Sprinkle with colored sugar reflecting the hellfire of the condemned if desired. Pray.

Bake for 5 to 8 minutes in the preheated oven, or until who the heck knows when, but at least wait until the bottoms and edges of cookies are light brown. Remove from baking sheet and cool on wire racks. Speak in Tongues. Flinglish fanem coobler a doggle rah, visule pracasset neigh! Pray.

Condemn to hell and torment all who sneak a cookie before they have adequately cooled, or the democratic secular humanist of your choice. Store in an airtight container. Pray. Decorate with festive stoning rock display, again available at www.raptureiscomingsoonyouheathenfornicators.com).

Pray.

Or maybe you'd prefer...

Gradma Bush's Humble Pie

Or

The Soup of Dispair



*Ed: This is what we in the bidness call "projection"