Scooter Libby's Mountain Man Stew

Out West, where you vacation, the aspens will already be turning. They turn in clusters, because their roots connect them. Come back to work---and life. Until then, you will remain in my thoughts and prayers. Oh, and have some of my delicious stew.

It is really easy to make. Serves 5 to 10, depending on good behavior.

Step One:

Chop up three medium carrots, three large russet potatoes, half a stalk of celery, a large onion, three hand written notes, a half pound of sweet corn.

Step Two:

Put ingredients, along with a sixteen ounce can of beef bullion into a large pot, simmer on medium heat for about twenty months.

Step Three:

Go out and kill a bear with a stick. Bring home, clean, poke with stick some more. Call up third party, tell them you had never been to the zoo and you had no involvement in the disappearance of "momma" the black bear. Ask that this be passed on to the press. Call up a couple members of the press and tell them that the black bear had it coming. Invite over for stew. Fry up bear meat, add to stew, simmer.

Step Four:

Watch press friends talk about how the bear had it coming because papa bear was too loud, send pictures of your conquest to Vanity Bear magazine.

Step Five:

Eat bear, be arrested with remnants of meal. Watch press talk about how there are two many bears around anyway, and that momma was quite overrated as a bear, what with her merely analyzing nuts and berries. When approached by special prosecutor tell him that you are constantly busy with important matters and you cannot possibly recall anything as insignificant as whether you ever killed a bear with a stick.

Step Six:

*Brrrrrrrrrrrrp*. Receive pardon.