Monday, January 30, 2006

30 Rockefeller Plaza, about right now

The place, the office of the VP of NBC News. The executive sits as ABC news is on in the background.

A knock on his office door.

: "Come in"

(the door opens and we see the familiar face of TV Weatherman Al Roker)

Al: You wanted to see me?

VP: Yes Al, thanks for coming up so quickly. That was a great show today, what with the wishing all those centenarians a happy birthday and all. Nobody does those human interest stories with such style and verve as you.

Al: Thanks.

VP: (turning serious) Listen Al, I was watching ABC this morning off and on and everytime I looked their doing Bob Woodruff this, and brave reporter that.

Al: Yes sir, it's a tough situation for them, very sad.

VP: Huh? Yes, sad, whatever. You know what it means Al? It means for 2 hours today they had one ratings winner that was kickin' our colon.

Al: Well, I suppose that is one way of looking at it.

VP: One way? Al this is the network news business, there is no other way. Two or three kids buy the farm over there everyday, God knows how many are injured. We give some nice music for those who die, a story a year on amputees. Same dance for everybody. But my God, its been so long since we've had a reporter killed -- since that one

Al: David Bloom.

VP: Yes, him. But you know what the problem was there? I'll tell you what, that was while the war was still worth paying attention to, in the exciting days of the march on Baghdad. Now you know what the war is?

Al: Um...

VP: BORING! Same song everyday, same everything. But a reporter risking his neck out of the Greenzone gives it a kick, some zazz! And man, ABC news is soooooo fucking lucky. Not only did this guy get injured, but he might live. He might live Al. Jesus, think of the ratings when he comes back into his anchor chair?!! Those lucky sons a'bitches Al.

Al: Well...

VP: So Al, do you want our ratings ass kicked by Dianne fucking Sawyer and Charlie shithead Gibson?

Al: Uh...

VP: Or their dipshit weather ass? He doesn't have near your Q ratings and shit, Al, guy has his entire stomach yet too! We cannot have that. Al, I can't ask Katie or Bryant to do this.

Al: Bryant?

VP: Sorry, Matt, I can't ask Matt to do this. Nor for that matter can we risk Brian Williams because he's like No. 1 already. So Al, I need you to take one for the team and do something for our ratings.

Al: What did you have in mind?

VP: I've looked through your contract and well, it appears this is allowed.

Al: What is it?

VP: You'll love it, you'll be a hero...

24 hours later...

Katie: And now, in a NBC exclusive we go to the skies over Mosul...

STAY TUNED: For our next Episode, CBS News Send Hannah Storm to the Mountains of Pakistan, and FoxNews sends Geraldo to the Moon.

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