Bykovsky's Rx for What Ails America

I know how the Bykovskys of the world think. They think they're "edgy" and "daring" and that "someone has to say it." They use phrases like "politically correct" and enjoy the puffed up feeling that comes with oceans full of self-righteousness, sanctimony, and rage. Whatever.

So Stu Bykovsky thinks we need another 9/11?

Lets unpack this. What does Stu Bykovsky mean by such an audacious assertion?

Well of course it means that Stu Bykovsky thinks we need 2,974 dead people to knit back together the "cheap sweater" that has become America. It means that Stu Bykovsky thinks that 343 of them need to be firefighters and 60 more need to be police offers. Stu Bykovsky thinks that at least some need to be children as young as two and others need to be senior citizens as old as 82. Stu Bykovsky thinks that the vast majority of these people need to be doing something mundane, such as working or visiting a tourist attraction or running an errand, on the day they die because America has splintered politically. Stu Bykovsky thinks that many of them need to be pulverized into nothing more than unrecoverable, unidentifiable dust and all that should remain of others are body parts -- feet, ankles, tips of fingers, elbows, breast bones, and skin -- or bone and tissue fragments, and that 10,000 of of those bone and tissue fragments should remain unidentifiable six years later. Stu Bykovsky thinks thinks we need at least 200 people to feel so desperate, so terrified, and so utterly without hope that they break windows and jump from the 105th story of an enormous office building knowing full well that the only thing available to break their fall is a sun-baked concrete plaza. Stu Bykovsky thinks that as many as 3,501 American children need to lose a parent and 1,609 adults need to lose a spouse or partner so that the jigsaw pieces of competing interests that are tearing America apart can be put back together again. Stu Bykovsky thinks that 658 people from a single firm dying together in their office will remind us of who the real enemy is. Stu Bykovsky thinks that 246 airline passengers need to be taken against their will on the most terrifying ride of their lives so in order to save America. Stu Bykovsky thinks that the families, friends, colleagues and neighbors of at least 24 people should wonder for the rest of their lives if their missing brother, sister, spouse, kid, aunt, uncle, cousin, co-worker, pal, or neighbor who was in the World Trade Center area that day but hasn't been heard from since did really die on 9/11 even though no trace of their body was ever found. Stu Bykovsky thinks that in order to fix America we've got to destroy a 13-square-block area of one American city and its capital into chaos just for good measure. We've got to paralyze those cities -- and an entire country -- with fear first, though, and then we've got to throw it into shock for a while. Stu Bykovsky likes the idea of one small historic Greek Orthodox Church being destroyed in the name of unity. Stu Bykovsky thinks rescue workers and other people who assisted with the cleanup from such a disaster should show symptoms of a mystery respiratory illness. Stu Bykovsky thinks we need an event with the potential to destroy America's economy so that we can come together. Stu Bykovsky thinks we need to shut down air traffic for three days. Stu Bykovsky thinks we need fire, rubble, and rivers of blood so that he doesn't have to listen to "endless sideshow squabbles." Stu Bykovsky thinks Osama bin Laden should keep laughing at us. Sty Bykovsky likes the idea of advancing bin Laden's goal of destroying our economy because it would afford us some much-needed perspective. Stu Bykovsky relishes the thought of a bunch of punk-ass jihadis sitting on a Jersey City roof laughing and cheering as they watch the World Trade Center burn and crumble. Stu Bykovsky thinks Al Qaeda should strike us again to stem the dialog of discord ringing across America. Stu Bykovsky thinks is such a good idea that he's provided a list of suggested targets:

The Golden Gate Bridge. Mount Rushmore. Chicago's Wrigley Field. The Philadelphia subway system.

I suppose Stu Bykovsky thinks that the fires from these attacks should burn for 99 days, as well. So that we can, you know, save America.

Photograph: Richard Drew, Associated Press