Predicting Tonight's Tweety Now

Chris Matthews, demonstrable evidence that a drooling problem will not keep one off cable, has a great track record the last two debates. He has managed to harangue and bully his panel of "talking flatworms" posing as pundits, with the assistance of Bush flack Ben Ginsburg, into agreeing with him that Cheney and Bush respectively won their debates handily.

Nevermind the fact that Cheney lied like a rug and turned what was at best a draw into a clear Edwards' win; that such memorable acts as saying "Want some Wood" and lunging at Charlie Gibson made it clear to Tweety that Bush won, while even Gallup's Republican-leaning plurality voted Kerry.

So we have the last round tonight. The final debate, on domestic issues, where Bush will have little but the old "liberal" label to pull out of his ass, or whatever the hell it is on his back.

But I'm guessing Tweety, will utter something like this while his "well-balanced" panel of Howie the Ho, Mrs. Greenspan, Ginsburg, and Pat Buchanan will manage to somehow nod in agreement:

Tweety: Well, there you have it the third and final debate of the 2004 election and before I get to all of you to suckle upon my ample wang, it was sure plain to me that the President was very agressive and forceful tonight. I was particularly impressed when he leaned so heavily into his podium that he and it came crashing to the floor.

Howie: Oh, yes, I agree Chris.

Tweety: Did I tell you to talk? You are lucky I let you back on this show! Continuing on, further, I think the American people tonight saw that Kerry was very stiff and awkward when he went over to Bush, after he fell, and offered him his hand to help him off the ground. It seemed very staged and phony and a chance for Kerry to seem geniune and nice -- which Andrea you would agree -- and make this snappy -- we don't believe Kerry to be.

Andrea: Yes, that is right Chris, I've heard that Kerry is not a nice man.

Tweety: SHORTER! Keep your answers shorter, you pancaked old hag! Back to me! And the thing that I think is really great is that when Kerry came over and offered to help the President as the latter was rolling around on the floor, with his pants split in back with a runny nose; Bush still had the presence of mind to ignore Kerry's fake sympathetic gesture and turn over and kick Kerry in the shin and then get to his knees and throw a punch at Kerry's groin! That was really impressive, really strong, very determined and that is what I think the American people saw. Manly resolve and determination, bravely trying to punch somebody in the balls. Right Ben?

Ben: That is right Chris, and the way that Kerry moved out of the way from the punch before it landed, really showed the American people what a coward that Kerry is. Not flinching from being sucker-punched in the sack is what makes a great Republican, while not being afraid to throw the sucker punch to the 'nads is what makes a great Republican leader. We clearly saw that from the President tonight.

Tweety: Right, and then later in the debate, the President stood there bravely with foam coming out of left-corner of his mouth yelling "Firetruck, Firetruck" over and over. I thought that showed great originality and forthrightness. Don't you think so Pat?

Pat: Eine Reich, Eine Volk, Eine Fuhrer, herr Tweety. Arbeit macht frei.

Tweety: Okay, okay, we have to take a commercial break, but when we come back we will discuss another two key moments in the debate. First, when the President stuck his right-hand down his pants, and the other when during the last question he wet himself. Why do our panelist believe these two moments solidified Bush's victory tonight when we return. We'll be reich back.