The Following is a Actual Recording of an On-Star Customer

(sound of phone ringing)

Operator: "Hello On-Star, how may I help you."

Frantic Voiced Man: "Yes, I've just been virtually horse-whipped by a midwestern college professor and I seem to be unable to find my ass. Nor can I find a hole in the ground."

Operator: "Do you require assistance, sir?"

F.V.M: "I dunno...I'm so lonely. Is K-Lo there?"

Operator: "I don't have a K-Lo here sir."

F.V.M.: "How about Derb. Is Derb there?"

Operator: "Sir, this is On-Star, we are a service offered to drivers of new GM Vehicles. Do you require assitance?"

F.V.M.: "Ah...are you a mommy?"

Operator: "Excuse me sir?"

F.V.M.: "Sometimes, I hear that if your mommy gives you a hug, you feel better. My mommy never gave me a hug. All she ever did is tell me to go play in the street while she and a variety of "Uncles" had some time alone. Sometimes, I saw what they did. Oh, the pain, the pain! It made me hurt...down there..."

Operator: "Can you tell me where you are sir, I can contact an ambulance?"

F.V.M.: "Can you call Rich Lowry for me?"

Operator: "Who sir?"

F.V.M.: "I don't wanna go to war. I'm scared and I want a mommy. Can you come hug me?"

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, please tell me where you are and I'll have an ambulance come and assist you."

F.V.M.: "I'm in my car."

Operator: "Yes sir, I figured that."

F.V.M.: "I'm not a coward you know. I laid on the ground and kicked up in the air really fast before those guys gave me a swirly that one time."

Operator: "Yes, sir."

F.V.M.: "And I'm smart too, no matter what my mommy says. I fooled those guys who kept giving me the wedgie by starting to wear Banana warmers"

Operator: "Huh? Sir, if you want help you really must be more detailed about your problem and what it is. According to our installed On-Star GPS, we have you outside a Marine Recruiting Station in Westchester, New York is that right?....Hello?....Hello?"

F.V.M.: "Okay, Star Trek is going to be on, I'm going to go now."

*click*