Saturday, December 01, 2007

The Continuing Adventures of Rudy & Judi (Part VII)

This morning, in the Presidential suite of Des Moines' finest hotel ...

JUDI: (on the phone) "Yes, Yes. I understand. There is always the possibility that he could decide to take a second wife. Just as long as I retain the top spot at all times. What? Who gives a damn about her? I don't give a shit about MS, PMS, or PTSD. Make it clear that I run the show."

RUDY: "Judi? What the hell is this?"

JUDI: (puts hand over receiver) "'What's this? What's this?' I'll tell you what 'this' is, Rudy. This is me bailing."

RUDY: "You're bailing for Romney? The guy's a chump."

JUDI: "Maybe. But he only strapped a dog to the roof of a car...

RUDY: "Well, God knows you've got the experience in that area, Judi."

JUDI: (hits him over the head with rolled up copy of The NY Daily News) ."You have your own dog problem now, motherfucker!"

RUDY: "You asked me to order them drive you there, Judi."

JUDI: "Can you read, you dago dipshit! You used the wheelchair kids' money to ferry your mistress to God's Country! You ordered it! Not me! (into phone) Just get it done, goddamnit. I'm packing now. And I'm gonna need insurance to cover shipping my tiara. (slams phone down) "Look, Rudy. I can't afford to be with someone with such lousy political instincts. You knew you were gonna run for president one day. Did you think that doling out goodies to your girlfriend on the public dime wasn't gonna come back to haunt you? 'Cause if you did, you're an even dumber goombah than your pal Bernie Kerik."

RUDY: "This is unbelievable. I am America's Mayor! I am the hero of 9/11! I fought the terrorists singlehandedly! The French called me 'Mayor Héro.' And you're leaving me for this Morman gasbag hairball?"

JUDI: "Look, Rudy. I'm still young. I'm still hot. Being a mayor's girlfriend is one thing --

RUDY: "'America's Mayor's' girlfriend, Judi. 'America's Mayor.'"

JUDI: "...but being first lady is quite another. If I move now, I can still get to the White House."

RUDY: "But Romney's already married, Judi."

JUDI: "Big fucking deal. We already talked about it. He's gonna amend the Constitution to simultaneously ban gay marriage and decriminalize polygamy. Plus, you ever read Jane Eyre? That bottle blonde automaton is gonna wish she had it as good as Mr. Rochester's first wife soon enough. The White House is a very big place, Rudy."

Previous episodes: VI, V, IV, III, II, I.

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