The Continuing Adventures of Rudy & Judi (Part V in a Series)

Tonight, somewhere in South Carolina...

RUDY: "Look, the Kerik indictments were bad enough, but this Regan thing is out of control. You're going to have to do it."

JUDI: "Listen, you miserable garlic-eater, you gave me that damn thing. It's mine. And I'm not selling it, no matter what happens."

RUDY: "Judi, we need money to do rapid response on the Regan allegations."

JUDI: "What's the matter? Don't trust your BFF Roger Ailes to run interference for you with the the wingnuts?"

RUDY: "They're not 'wingnuts,' Judi. They're my base."

JUDI: "Listen to this fucking guy. 'They're my base.' Let me tell you something Rudy, I'M your base. Without me, you're just another dumb Dago with a closetful of tasseled loafers, a 'Ground Zero Survivor' commemorative plaque, and a lifetime Viagra prescription."

RUDY: "Look, you don't have to sell it. We'll just take it to a pawn shop. I bet we can shut Regan up for a cool fifty thousand. She's got legal bills to pay. I'll buy it back for you after the election."

JUDI: "You want me to hock my tiara? Nothing doing, Rudy. I don't want to hear another fucking word about this. Hit Regina up for the money. Tell Donna to hock some of her jewels. Hell, call in a favor from Christyne Lategano for all I care. But I don't want to hear another word about me hocking that tiara. I need it for my -- oops! I mean your inaugural ball."

This installment inspired by an idea from Hecate.

Enjoy the whole series: Part IV, Part III, Part II, and Part I.