New Year's Resolutions

1. I want to be even more self-centered.
2. My fat pants are too loose, I need to put on about another 20, I'm aiming to need one of them seatbelt extenders...for my car!
3. Damn, why not put gravy on everything?
4. I'm cutting out jawbreakers.
5. I've never enjoyed it, but maybe this is the year I can take up smoking.
6. I'm going to bring back the Jefferson Davis "Neck-goatee"
7. Wear more paisley & horizontal striping
8. I'm going to start the "One really cool laptop for middle-aged, balding, Midwestern, white liberals" program. Let's start with a Core-4.
9. I think Tom Cruise needs to speak out on more things.
10. This is the year, there will be reports of Kate O'Beirne going commando.
11. I'm going to sow some Quaker Oats.
12. Regularity is the hobgoblin of small minds, life is an adventure.
13. Like Mike Huckabee I'm going to take a strong stand against irrelevant foreign immigrants. So fuck you Luxembourgians!
14. I'm going to try to get up earlier.
15. This will be the year porn scripts get back to the golden age of witty Pizza Delivery Boys.
16. There is nothing erotic about flossing each other.
17. I'm going to start off the new year designing the cover of my latest book, "Fascist Fascism". I will then finally finish it in the year 2019. I expect plenty of patently insincere reviews from my co-bloggers.
18. I'm going to find out what "Rosebud" means.
19. I will stop using bait when fishing for compliments.
20. I encourage each and every one of you to be good to each other ... more blow for me.