Thursday, August 31, 2006

Excerpts from the forthcoming Dick Cheney bio

Written with the incredibly inaccurate and syncophantic Stephen Hayes, the Laurie Mylroie of ink.

Chapter 1:

Dick was born in the house his father built. Dick's father was a sort of a little man, common man. He was a streetcar motorman first, then a farmer, and then he had a lemon ranch. It was the poorest lemon ranch in California Wyoming. He sold it before they found oil on it. And then he was a grocer Lion-Tamer. He was a great man, because he did his job, and every job counts up to the hilt, regardless of what happens.

Nobody will ever write a book, probably, about Dick's mother. Dick's mother was a saint. A saint with eight teats and a dewclaw.

Chapter 2:

When Cheney was just a year and a half, he intercepted Japanese codes that stated they were preparing to attack Midway Island. He promptly sketched a crayola-gram to Admiral Chester Nimitz and changed the course of the war in the Pacific. For his heroism, Nimitz recommended Cheney for the medal of Freedom, but he was denied the award by Fascist-apologist Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Dick got his revenge at the age of four, when on a trip to Warm Springs, Georgia he introduced the resting Roosevelt to his pillow. [Sorry, classified]

Chapter 3:

1948, seven year old Dick Cheney tries to volunteer for the United States Air Force to participate in the Berlin Airlift, the attempt to keep West Berliners fed is known to young Dick as "Germany's second chance to get National Socialism right!". But just before he can bicycle down to the recruitment office he stubs his toe on the coffee table, suffering a nasty hangnail that would likely compromise his flight status. Darn the luck. Fortunately, Dick is able to turn to other priorities and engage in the war at home with incessent red-baiting of fellow second grader milk monitors and playing in Whittaker Chambers' pumpkin patch.

Chapter 4:

Dick hits puberty:

To be continued...

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