Tuesday, August 29, 2006

This just in....


John Mark Karr confesses to Lindbergh kidnapping; that he and Jimmy Hoffa caused the disappearance of Amelia Earhart; operating the Bermuda Triangle; surviving a crash in Roswell, New Mexico; writing the Zimmerman Telegram; offing Vince Foster; faking the moon landing; hanging chads; creating 'the Rachel'; killing all known Kennedys and Mary Jo; Milli, but not Vanilli; inappropriately touching Judge Crater; new coke; financing the mujihedin; making parts of the Ukraine glow at night; writing Protocols of the Elders of Zion; alias Steve Bartman; making desserts for Zachary Taylor; telling Bob Packwood to be more 'hands-on'; ghost writing 'The O'Reilly Factor: For Kids'; Natalie Holloway hunting sharks; Hasselhoff; Chief Environmental Scientist, Exxon-Mobil; swimming with Harold Holt; grabbing Isadora Duncan's scarf too tightly; loving Jodie Foster too damn much; being Karen Carpenter's nutritionist; producing Saturday Night Live in 1981; writing the Hitler Diary; being Floyd Landis's pissboy; Urkel; enabling Al Sadr; zuba pants; Chandra Levy; Time naming Powerline 'blog of the year' and the Ann Coulter cover; golfed with Tom Delay; Rob Lowe's videographer; maintaining the levees and coordinating Katrina relief; Captain of the Monkey Business; Roy Cohn's idea man; hooking up Whitney Houston an Bobby Brown; causing Lou Dobb's hispanic girlfriend to dump his sorry ass in College; Fatty Arbuckle's caterer; Writing memos to Captain Dreyfus; Skating with the Stars; telling Tom Wolfe what young women "really think"; 'Head On' apply directly to the forehead; misplacing Thurman Thomas's helmet; Abu Gah-rape; calling Joe Klein a liberal; Matchmaker for Wallis Simpson; mandating that 'The Bridges of Madison County' be read at every fucking book club in the country;'Matrix' sequels; doing all of 'Desonex's" dirty work; thirteen of seventeen Duggars; Swiftboat Veteran's for Truth; being Koren Robinson's AA sponsor; loading the gun on the USS Princeton AND USS Iowa; encouraging Lynne Cheney to write a lesbian western; selling arms to Iran; hiding the WMD's; outing Valerie Plame; feeling up Kathleen Willey; Sherman Adam's vicuna coat; designing Hitler commercials for Move-On.org; editing 'Gods & Generals'; adopting wives for Woody Allen; making Jenna Bush's ID cards; wearing Bigfoot feet; Jennifer Wilbanks' eyes; trading hats with Jack Abramoff; hockey hair; Jonah Goldberg; not renewing 'Deadwood'; selling Ramon Mercader an ice pick; being X, Y, and Z; the Lusitania, Hindenberg, Titanic, Andria Doria, Edmund Fitzgerald, Challenger, Columbia; encouraging Benedict Arnold; the 18-minute gap; and Howie Mandel.

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