Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Today in the White House


George Bush and Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki don't actually talk much on their conference calls. Mostly they just trade scripted presentations.

In the White House Situation Sit-chee-a-shen Room:

(Bush walks into a room with a large table and several chairs, a television on one end, he sits at the other and looks toward National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley:

BUSH: Ralphie, are we ready for our teleconference?

HADLEY: Yes, Mr. President.

BUSH: Turdblossom is my script ready?

ROVE: Yes, Mr. President, and we've put it up on cue cards so you can read it while looking like you are looking at Prime Minister Maliki.

BUSH: Have the tough words been removed?

ROVE: Yes sir.

BUSH: Okay, let's go, have to go comfort people with my presence, ...whatever! Turn on the TeeVee.

BUSH: (reads cue cards haltingly) "Helloooooo...Mr. Prime Minister. Can you hear me alright?"

MALIKI: (reads his cue cards) "Yes...Mr. President, hello."

BUSH: "I...hear...from...General (squints) Betray-us that the (squints again) purge is working."

(Maliki looks confused)

ROVE: Just a second Mr. Prime Minister (hits mute button looks at confused Bush).

BUSH: What?

ROVE: It's "Patraeus" not "Betrayus".

BUSH: Isn't that what I said? I thought I spoke it good.

ROVE: "PA!" tray-us, not "BA" tray-us.

BUSH: "PA" like "Daddy"?

ROVE: Yes. And it is SURGE, not PURGE.

(Bush looks confused)

HADLEY: Surge as in more troops, not purge like Jenna does after desert.

BUSH: Gotcha. And it's "Pa" like "Daddy"?

ROVE: Yes.

BUSH: Okay, let's go.

(mute button off)

BUSH: Sorry, Mr. Prime Ribister, tech-no-logistic difficultments. As I was reading, General Daddytraeus is telling us that the surge is working.

MALIKI: Yes...he tells me...the same thing. (loud sound) Sorry, mortar hit...sounds like in the Kitchen.

BUSH: (off script) It's great that they are building your stuff, and with bricks too.

(Maliki confused again)

BUSH: (back to script) I read on the internets that shops and stores are open. Senator McCain said it's really a lot better over there. He took our troops shopping.

MALIKI: "" (loud noises) Sorry, Minister for Industry seems to have blown up. Tough luck really, he was our last Sunni. (now panicky) You know Mr. President, I can't lie to you...unlike pretty much everyone else. It sucks here, it sucks on toast, it sucks so much its pretty much indescribable. I hate it, really, truly I hate it. Get me out of here, now, please, I'm begging you, NOW!

(Bush looks confused)

BUSH: Mr. Prime Minister, you really have to get it together. I mean, look at me, I just got back from losing 32 innocent citizens in one awful incident. And I'm holding it together, in fact, I'm fantastic. Don't you know what it's like to lose that many of your people in one day?

And yet, I can handle it, even though its hard. Yep, 32 innocent people one day and here I am talking to you, you should be thanking me for being here. Yet, here you are whining to me, when you should be thanking me and Jesus for saving you and your little tinhorn Allah dude.

(Maliki looks both confused and really really angry)

BUSH: Now, calm down there, Maliki, I forgive you. Say, in talking to Senator McCain and that other Republican Senator, what's his name Karl, the swishy fella?

ROVE: Graham sir, Senator Lindsay Graham.

BUSH: Right, Swishy. Anyway in talking to them, it sounded like I could do your economy a favor and go shopping in Iraq. Well, not actually, in Iraq. Heh heh heh. I was thinking I could shop online.

Do you have like an Amazon or an E-Bay in Iraq?

(Maliki looks stunned)

'Cuz I thought, heh heh heh, I could get me some of them 5 rugs for $5. Seems like a good deal for the merchant. So I'd like to do that. I'll use Karl's Pay Pal account or something.

(Maliki still stunned)

Although, If I buy 5 rugs for $5 I'm going to want "free shipping".

(Maliki runs out of room throwing his hands up in the air and cursing in Arabic)

BUSH: Well Karl, back to Prezidentin', what's up next?

ROVE: You're due for a foot-stomping tantrum about an Iraq timetable while taking questions with the Lithuanian foreign minister.

BUSH: Cool, playin' to mah strengths!

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