The Top Ten Bush Holiday List

In the spirit of the holidays, we here at the Rising Hegemon have given a great deal of thought to the most important issues for the Bush administration. While we would love to see the imperial, torture loving, warmongering presidency continue to crash and burn, with a few reasonable suggestions that are not biased in any way, Bush could actually do some good -- ok at least do better -- than he is doing now.

10. Get rid of Dick Cheney. Mr. Charisma is bringing your ratings seriously down. If you drop Mr. Big Business and hire a popular celebrity to take his place. How about that Carrie Underwood. Everyone loves American Idol and she will play well to the conservative and country bases (ok, maybe they are the same if we take Steve Earle and the Alt-Country movement out of it).

9. Fire Rove. Fire him in a screaming fit of "shame, shame, shame on you." Then fire him again. Hold a press conference talk about how he stabbed you in the back. It will work. Oh, ps. crosscut shred all the memos, crush all the hard drives, and burn all the notes. Trust us, you WILL thank us later. We got this idea from Ron "I can't recall" Reagan.

8. Bring out Pickles. The public love her. She is far more intelligent, credible, and moderate than you.

7. Get a cat. Bring out the dogs. Americans love leaders who have furry friends. Not to mention, it can't hurt with PETA folks. Oh, yeah... nevermind PETA but do get some animal friends that you can spend time with in front of the cameras. Oh, one word of warning: FUR. Make sure you get some pet fur on your pants. A lack of fur is a dead give away that you really don't spend time with them.

6. Buy some presents for some poor kids. Unlike what Dick and Lynn Cheney or Karl Rove tell you, they did not do anything to end up poor or homeless. You have quite a bit of money and resources, why not give them some clothes, homes, and toys for the holiday. The American public likes to back an administration with heart.

5. Apologize for hiring Brownie. While this will only play well in certain hurricane ravaged part of the country. It can't hurt. Oh and remember, just because some members of the religious right are telling you that God destroyed New Orleans because he was angry at sodomites are some other foolish notion, that no one has a direct line to the almighty, including you.

4. Fire Rumsfeld, Rice, and others who were involved in the ill advised mistaken war in Iraq. Create a special counsel to investigate what these people really wanted to do or enrichen. Talk about "the buck stopping here" and "this administration will countenance no illegality." We love administrations that hold themselves accountable to their ideas, goals, and values.

3. Stop drinking. Americans do not like a drunk president or presidency. Oh and learn how to give a clear and compelling speech. That can't hurt.

2. Please stop using all the bad and incorrect 9-11 references. Just because your ratings are in the toilet does not mean that it is because of 9-11. That whole "buck stops" thing applies here as well. Plus, you squandered that good will on the whole misadventure in Iraq, remember?

1. Bring the soliders home from Iraq. Do it immediately. It's the right thing to do.

While we understand that these recommendations will be a bit difficult to follow, we promise that if you follow our advice the public view of your administration and most importantly, your place in history will change for the better.