"I Drive Better Drunk Than Most People Drive Sober"

To my great shame, I once dated a drunk guy who used this refrain on more than one occasion. It usually preceded an argument that ended with me calling a cab or a friend (and on one occasion, a cop) to drive me home. I thought of it again and again while reading this.

“When we ask people to identify the most dangerous distraction on the highway today, about half — correctly — identify cellphones,” said Bill Windsor, associate vice president for safety at Nationwide. “But they think others are dangerous, not themselves.”

I live in an urban hellhole, and so, while I am licensed to drive, I do so infrequently. But I am often a passenger, and recent events suggest that I may soon find myself in an environment that would dictate that I drive more frequently. Yesterday, I told my siblings and my significant other that should I ever fall victim to one of these morons, to please bring the full and hellish weight of the legal system down upon their tiny heads. My loved ones can live off the proceeds from the wrongful death suit for the rest of their lives.

If you can't walk and text/yap, what makes you think you can drive while you do so?