Sunday, December 27, 2009

Atta J. Turk's Trusty NFL Picks

A tougher week for me last week as bad teams played better than other bad teams, etc. But thanks to the Steelers beating the Pack on a miraculous play, I went 3 and 3 and am at 58 and 32 for the year. Time to finish strong, like bull.

I'm sitting here in Arizona at the moment (NFL Picks field trip, except I'm not going to a football game) so I'm in a special position to judge games this week (ed. no you're not).

Chiefs at Bengals: Well, let's start out slow and build up a head of steam to finish strong. How about we pick a good team, at home, coming off two road losses to good teams over a bad team on the road who last week was completely run over by the Browns? Sound good to you? It does me. The Bengals will kill the Chiefs, literally. They'll rip out their still beating metaphorical hearts and have them watch, like some weird Mel Gibson fantasy-flick (without gratuitous gay bashing). Bengals win big.

Seahawks at Packers: But wait, you say, shouldn't you pick some tough games? Hey, I went 3 and 3 last week, that cannot happen again. In the 352nd most exciting regular season game played at Lambeau Field (I'd reckon they've played about 280 regular season games there over 50 plus years when you add in all the home games they used to play in Milwaukee) I believe somehow the Packers will be able to pull this one out.

Texans at Dolphins: As they usually seem to do, the Texans having all but eliminated themselves from playoff contention by the end of November are going on a late season surge. And now they've done it, they've sort of got themselves back into a smidgen of a chance. The Dolphins on the other hand have been not great, but pretty good since October. This game seems hard to pick because you really don't know which version of each team you'll get. But I smoked some of Ricky Williams' old stash and my vision quest says pick the Dolphins.

Ravens at Steelers: Well, how about this. At the beginning of this year you'd have thought this game would have meant more than about who might get eliminated from even being in the playoffs. However, that's pretty much what it has become (though the Ravens are still alive even with a loss). These two teams played a few weeks ago when Roethlisberger was out because he couldn't spell his name (seems a tad too strict a test in my opinion) and the Ravens won in Baltimore in overtime. For some reason I think with him back I like the Steelers.

Jaguars at Patriots: Do the Jaguars ever play the Patriots at what passes for their home, attended by literally dozens of fans? I cannot recall them ever doing so. It must be some Belicheckian mind-fuck. The Jaguars had control of their own playoff destiny a few weeks ago -- and then seemingly remembered people noticed and the only sporting thing to do was to suck. And lo they have. Patriots, will someone pull this one out, and one of the minutemen will miss shooting off his musket because he's cruising with Pat Patriot.

Vikings at Bears: Did you see how much the Vikings sucked against the Panthers last week? OMG! It was an embarrassment. And now, in a blatent effort to promote their Monday Night Game between THIS GUY and THIS OTHER GUY it's been Favre vs. Childress vs. Schism all week long. You know it's true the Vikings sucked last week, but the Bears have pretty much sucked for three straight months, going 2 and 8. When they met last month in Minnesota it was Vikings 36, Bears 10. Expect something a little less awful, but not much. Take the Vikes.

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