McCain's Notes for Speech Tonight

Only through some frightening scary efforts -- do you want to walk anywhere near Cindy McCain? -- we have secured some notes from McCain's Speech tonight.  Our intrepid investigator is still shaking from the experience getting around Mary Matalin.  We will ask about it after the detoxification.

The notes translated:

1. Mention experience 1100 times.

2. Call everyone "My Friends" at the end of every sentence.

3. Give a big shout out to the Religious Right who sunk my candidacy the last time we went round this campaign thing.  Without their sycophantism I would never have gotten this far.

4. Run as close to the Bush people without actually embracing them and their philosophy.  And ask Karl... what is the philosophy again?  What do they believe in?

5. Mention bucking the trends, being an outsider, stuff like that all the while I have been an insider and a GOP loyalist -- don't slip up on this point.  Damn, this lying stuff is fun.

6. Thank Charles Keating for all of his invaluable support over the years.  Um, wait... no... what was it Karl said??  Oh yes, do not mention I was one of the Keating Five.

7. Mention Cindy without actually looking at her.  Uh oh, scary. Might be important to do that about that scary unknown governor from Saskatchewan they paired me with.

8. Talk about drilling our way to energy independence.  The oil guys who run the party will love that one.  Um, this one is important - Do not laugh like a school boy over the use of the word "drilling."

9. Lie.  Lie about everything.  Then lie some more.  Remember in case of emergency - lie.

10. Remember not to worry about the media's interpretation of the speech and the convention overall.  Karl said we have them in our pockets.  And at half the price, we expected.  Time for another house... but where to build...

11. Mention the word America as many times as possible.  Oh, flag is good too.  Work that in... like, We Americans love the Flag.  Ok, ok... we're on to something here.

12.  I wonder if I can borrow some 9-11 from Giuliani?