Atta J. Turk's (slightly more) Trusty NFL Picks

Much to my relief I had a 5 and 1 week after two bad weeks in a row. For the season I am now 13 and 11. If I keep this up I shall be over-qualified for ESPN and will never get my shot at that "Ditka money".

Oh well, blogging is where the real money is anyway.

Have you looked at most of the games scheduled this week? Oh many, talk about a match up of Good team versus shitty teams.

But you know what this means to a quasi-prognosticator needing to fill up column inches?

A good shot at another high-percentage week:

Oakland at New York Giants: If the Giants don't win this by two touchdowns then that dinosaur-killin' type of asteroid must have hit the earth. I don't mean to pick on a guy making a paltry $10 million or so a year, but let me describe just how bad Jamarcus Russell is.

In 2001 the Minnesota Vikings had a really shitty year. The coup de gras to their shitty year was having to start their third-string QB because of injury. The name of this starter was the immortal Spergon Wynn. A QB so outmatched by NFL defenses that he has become a two-word joke to Viking fans and the teams who faced him. Spergon Wynn's stats in three games, 48 of 98 49% 418 yards 1 TD and 6 interceptions. Jamarcus Russell, 43 of 108 39.8% 506 yards 1 TD and 4 interceptions.

Dear Oakland Raiders, you are paying $9,750,000 more for Spergon Wynn, than you would for the actual Spergon Wynn.

Pittsburgh at Detroit: This game is a rare sell-out in Detroit. I'm sure some of it has to do with the fact that the Lions actually managed to win a game this year, meaning they have already met this seasons only goal. But the other reason for the sell out is that there will be a ton of Steeler fans in Detroit this weekend. I hope they put the words up to "Gridiron Heroes" on the big screen enough for the Steelers fans to be singing it when the Steelers score the last of their five touchdowns. Steelers win.


Minnesota at St. Louis: Rush Limbaugh wants to buy a share of the Rams, which will clearly make the Rams a real desired target amongst its two-thirds population of African-Americans and Latinos. I'll let Giants linebacker Mathias Kiwanuka sum it up: "I love Spags [his old D-coordinator and Rams coach] and would play for him in a heartbeat, but under that situation ... obviously trades you have no control over, but if it was a free-agent thing, I wouldn't care if I only had one offer on the table, I would rather stay a free agent." Unless the NFL wants to make the modern Rams into the Redskins of the early 60s, they'll tell Limbaugh to go buy a hockey team.


Cleveland at Buffalo: Oh can you contain your excitement? The Browns have managed to trade their only offensive skill players of any appreciable talent (underachieving as it was) and now they go and play the dullest team in the league. I predict periods of one team being overwhelmed, followed by much whelming. Buffalo will win, probably breaking a scoreless tie with a safety. And then Buffalo residents will do what they have done for so many years after a Bills victory, the annual reenactment of the assassination of McKinley. What? Too soon?

Atlanta at San Franciso: Remember when these two teams for some reason both belonged to the NFC West? Remember when nobody gave a shit? Well, now they each belong in logical divisions. Nobody still should give a shit even though it appears they are both now decent. But you have better things to do than care about this don't you? I mean you have far more important things to do, like read a blog entry about how you shouldn't care. God bless you well-prioritized citizen.

I predict the 49ers will pull this one out -- I also predict I'll credit this as a win no matter what the hell happens because, as I said before, nobody gives a shit.

New England at Denver: The fact that Denver is one of the few remaining undefeated teams after four weeks is a sign of something, though I don't know what it is -- so I'm going to see it's further ratification that Matt Millen still sucks and Eric Mangini still blows. I know neither of these guys have anything to do with Denver, but would you rather I make jokes about John Elway's teeth?

This will be a real battle of the hoodies and I'll take the old slob of a master over the young prim acolyte. And why, because as bad as Belichek will look in his ripped up ugly-ass gray hoodie, the Broncos will be wearing their "throw-backs", their monstrous 1960 brown uniforms with the vertically stripped socks [and today in Kansas City, the Cowboys will play the "Dallas Texans" (the KC Chiefs in their original outfits)]. Patriots will win somehow.

Look upon them and dispair.