Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Looking at the 2013 RCC Conclave after the Combine -- Todd McShay's opinion may differ, because he's a jackass

This was first run before Benny the Rat became pope, but it still works (with some additions).  I just hope the next pope doesn't go all John Paul I and make me have to go with totally new material.

Even when betting on God's ordained..."Upon this House of Ill Repute I will build my Church y'all!" The current betting odds on who will be the next Pope. I've enlisted ESPN Draft Expert Mel Kiper to assist us with some candidates.

The favorites:

Cardinal Francis Arinze, 11 to 4.

Mel Kiper's Scouting Report:

A conservative and dogmatic theologian, Arinze had an outstanding time on the 40 and was able to describe 17 ways in which Martin Luther was damned in that limited amount of time. Is considered to look great in White, and is known as a committed team player. His upside is considered substantial in the third world, with some concerns that established nations may not appreciate his dogmatism and unique skills.

Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi, 11 to 4.

Mel Kiper's Scouting Report:

Very successful in the major program of Milan, Cardinal Tettamanzi is known for his solid team leadership and availability to call audibles on matters of faith. Furthermore, his alma mater has a long pedigree of producing successful pontiffs, though on occasion they have been known to produce Popes more likely to be more "me" than team oriented. One item that is on his side is that while his upside potential may be limited, you know what you are getting and that is a strong person to hold the line against Protestant or Islamic blitzes.

Cardinal Peter Turkson, 2 to 1.

  Mel Kiper's Scouting Report:

Turkson is currently the president of the Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace and hails from Ghana, the leading Catholic, nay, World nation starting with the Gh (Ghoulashistan not existing). In addition to his time with The Monkees, is noted in particular for proclaiming that Africa's strong hatred for the "sexy stuff" has spared them pedophilia scandals -- although it might be just the fact that the victims can't be heard with stuff in their mouths.   He's also known for his stirring pre-game speeches about needing to protect "this House" to his fellow cardinals. 

Cardinal Marc Ouellet, 5 to 2

  Mel Kiper's Scouting Report:
Ouellet is the prefect of the Congregation for Bishops, and a Canadian -- so he will have to adapt to the narrower field and one less priest when it comes to covering up a sex scandal. He is known for his very conservative leanings, but he ruffled feathers in 2010 with his stance against victims of rapes justifying abortion by being victims in the first place -- as with so many Cardinals the man really knows an awful lot about sex...especially the awful sex part.

Gianfranco Ravasi, 7 to 1

  Mel Kiper's Scouting Report
Ravasi is currently the president of the Pontifical Council for Culture and had the top time in the 30 yard Altar Boy shuttle. He was elevated to cardinal in 2010 and has since become known as a highly intellectual member and workout warrior of the Church and a biblical scholar, so he can really relate to pretty much no one -- always a strength in a Pontiff. He lead Benedict XVI in his last religious exercises -- Popelates. 

And a real darkhorse candidate:

Cardinal Rodrigo Fang, 1,000 to 1

Mel Kiper's Scouting Report:

A key member of the theological program for the purity of the faith throughout Aragon, Cardinal Fang is known for his dogmatic purity and ability to convert heretics using two, no make that three methods. While some consider him a longshot, a lifetime of dedicated service, and calm, collected, piety makes him a Cardinal to keep one's eye upon.


Anonymous said...

"the man really knows an awful lot about sex...especially the awful sex part."

A great line. I'm stealing it.

Katy Anders said...

Cardinal Fang is a shoe-in.

I want to pick his papal name, though.

The best names I've seen are Pope Hilarius II (there WAS a Pope Hilarius, after all), Pope Super Bowl XXIII, and Pope Bukake XII.

Nobody expects Cardinal Fang and his methods.

NonyNony said...

Cardinal Fang? Why not Cardinal Biggles?

Or would a British Pope be too much of a long shot to even consider?

pansypoo said...

don't expect CHANGE.

Bob said...

I'm all in for Cardinal Fang as well. I believe it's a lock!

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