Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Help Olbermann save History

Andrea Makris may be receiving a large financial offer from Fox & Bill O'Reilly that requires the destruction of what should forever be known as the "Falafel Tapes".

Keith Olberman is trying to save them, and preserve history by offering her money.

I’ve testified in many sexual harassment cases in my days at ESPN and the process is still inevitably stacked against the accuser, so, I understand if she has to do what she has to. And, hell, when they took me off the air in 2001, I took $800,000 from Fox just to not say anything about what idiots they were - until the contract was over eight months later (I think I’ve done another $800,000 worth of damage to them since, because nowhere in the deal did it say I couldn’t start saying what idiots they were once the contract ran out - and they are idiots, by the way - there’s another $17 right there).

So from two viewpoints, I appreciate Ms. Mackris’s position. But I am speaking on behalf of history. I am pleading for the CD listeners as yet unborn. I am thinking of the boxed DVD sets and the orders from Amazon and the dance-mix versions of O’Reilly talking about loofas and falafels, counterpointed with his radio statement from this week: “I just made a decision that I’m just going to ride it out, and I’m going to fight them.”

Fight them. For four days. Yeah, like the Yankees fought the Red Sox.

But, as I said, I am not asking Andrea Mackris to do this alone. The NewsCorp smear machine, known by its colloquial title “The New York Post,” reports she’s exactly $99,000 in debt due to credit card bills and student loans (thus making her about $5,000 more in debt than the average 33-year old in television who has college and grad school loans). She’s selling the tapes and her case to O’Reilly to avoid financial calamity.

Well, if she’s going to get $4,000,000 out of it, I can’t match that.

But if she really wants to fight this, and only needs seed money to keep the legal challenge going, I’m willing to stand up and help her - and help history. I’ll pay off her $99,000 in debts. All I ask is a copy of the tapes, and her agreement not to make any deals requiring their destruction. She can settle with O’Reilly; she can sue him (with the tapes remaining in the public record) from now until 2027; she can date the guy.

Just save the tapes - that’s all I ask.

Richard Nixon’s attorney Leonard Garment solemnly recalls the gurgle of advice given the president when the first court orders began to indicate that he’d have to surrender his surreptitious recordings. Alexander Haig, I think it was, said the press should be invited to the Rose Garden, Nixon should stack all the tapes in front of them, douse them with gasoline, and light the entire collection on fire, thus incinerating history and perhaps saving himself.

Now Andrea Mackris is being told to do the same thing.

And I’ve got a check for $99,000 here as a plea from the future.

Save the tapes! Save the tapes! Save the tapes!

This is a cause worth joining!

Surely, we cannot, we must not, live with only the Jerky Boyz or Crank Yankers as our allotment of funny phone call tapes, this is America dammit! Because Bill O'Reilly describing caribbean orgies; Roger Aisle's thuggery; and saying those magic words, "rub your giant boobs" surpasses what dreck we mere proles are normally entitled to receive as our allotted phone call funnies.

Imagine how much better posterity will be, if we can handle crank calls in this manner...

"Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"

"No, but I've got O'Reilly jerking off with a vibrator, bitch"!!

Help Keith today.

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