Thursday, December 30, 2004

The New Dynamic

Massive Natural Disaster kills tens of thousands in country populated by majority of non-christian, non-white people.

How is this to be handled in the Age of his Chimperial Majesty?

Step One: Report on tragedy in its basic detail.

Step Two: Check to see if there are any high-falutin' resorts affected.

Step Three: Find surviving White People, preferably those that speak english.

Step Four: Those White survivors...any celebrities? If not any white children...hey, any Celebrity's Children?

Step Five: Those white folks, did they have a video-camera going at the time?

Step Six: The President, how's his vacation going? Brush getting cut? Remind the people that he cares, but it is hard work using a variety of lawn tools. Show Karl Rove using "garden weasel", avoid snide comment.

Step Seven: Praise the manly resolve of the President not saying anything and donating unused GOP Tip Jar money to help those unfortunate heathens.

Step Eight: React to general criticism, not specifically directed at you with slack-jawed look of confused indignity. (I.E. Look naturally)

Step Nine: Use opportunity of general criticism to discuss why the "United States kicks ass" all the way around and nobody should ever deign to criticize the United States, especially americans and foreigners. Point out that Sri Lanka hardly gave any money to the hurricane victims of Florida?

Step Ten: Make sure you also get a few digs in against the U.N. and the Oil for Food program.

Step Eleven: Point out that somebody in one of the affected countries has specifically criticized the United States. Or, hey over there, you found a guy who dislikes Israel. Bonus points if you can get a guy wearing an Osama T-Shirt. Make sure you are able to use this as a general condemnation of all of the afflicted victims and an additional opportunity to repeat that the "United States kicks ass".

Step Twelve: Use Step Eleven to say that the tsunami was God's punishment toward these heathen states for being heathens, and because some in the United States are okay with gay people getting married.

Step Thirteen: Somehow the event becomes Bill Clinton's fault.

Do not forget to lather throughout.