Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The Wankery II, "Stardate Justice"

On our last episode Private Jonah was arrested by Star Fleet for Criminal Banality. On tonight's episode, the trial of Private Jonah begins from the halls of the Star Fleet Justice Academy.

Private Jonah, do you wish to be represented by counsel?

I'd rather have my mommy.

You realize this is a port city don't you? We've all already had your mommy. (laughter) Boo-yah! Hizzoner in da hiz house!

But seriously, do you have a lawyer or do you want one appointed for you?

I have an attorney, he is coming now.

Where da young barely post-pubescent white women at?

Very well, is the prosecution ready to begin?

Yes, we are your honor. The Prosecution states that over the course of several years, Private Jonah has exhibited a systematic pattern of pontificating as if he is all knowing upon a variety of subjects for which he has no actual knowledge whatsoever. In particular, in or about the months of January, February, and March stardate 2005 and continue to the present, Private Jonah exhibited profound stupidity and engaged in such actions as to enable the continuation of policies which enabled the deaths of several thousands of individuals. All of this comprising conduct unbecoming of a Star Fleet enlisted man.

Mr. Derbyshire for the defense?

My honor, as a man of profound intellect and refined taste, I can state with sincerity that I have known many people in the course of my life. I can further state with particular specificity that Private Jonah here appears to be one of them. May I point out your honor that we of the Starfleet worship a serious religion where we don't believe in strange bizarre things like regular fasting and traveling once in our lives to a place in Saudi Arabia. Places I might add where a man isn't able to appreciate the nubile curves of a variety of young ladies. No, sir, we worship a religion of logic where we think a young hippy who preached love and benevolence was crucified to give us eternal life all in the name of greater corporate profits and military conquests. Further, our religion doesn't deal with so many brownish people, if people I may call them, at least people that fit within the definition of people so loosely defined as to include my client Private Jonah.

Is the prosecution ready to proceed.

Yes your honor, I call a nameless member of the armed forces.

My God! He's wearing a red shirt!

We're screwed. Speaking of which, how old do you think the court reporter is? 20 maybe? Boy almost too old. The Derb better make his move pretty soon before the nubile-ity fades away.


Does the prosecution have any further witnesses?

We do your honor. The Prosecution calls Lieutenant Uhura.

Ma'am has the Defendant ever done anything that you found particularly repugant?

Well, let's say that after a career of being typcast, you are in yet another movie, only this time, Mr. big-time Star wants to direct. Well the next thing you know if you want to be in the movie, you've got to act like you are sleeping with Scotty. Scotty, talk about 'defyin' the laws of physics' yeesh. And do a fan dance too -- that would be teh hot! And where are we going? To find God naturally -- God, that's right and who does Kirk outsmart in this one? God. Kirk outsmarts G-O-D! But not before climbing El Capitan because "I'm T.J. Hooker" dammit.

Have you ever seen that jackass sing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"? Oh-my-God!

And Now a Special Commercial Break:

MEANWHILE, back at the trial

Ma'am, are we talking about Private Jonah?

What? You mean that wanker over there at the table?

Yes ma'am.

What the hell is he doing in that shirt anyway, he sure looks like red-shirt cannon fodder to me.

I'm busy with the war of ideas over here, so I cannot be over there.

Man, you're a worse actor than Shatner. What the hell is next for you, a wretched Sci-Fi novel series?

Don't you make fun of "A Few Quatloos More"

I think it is time for our break. Has the bailiff arranged entertainment?

Yes, your honor. Our budget was a bit tight, but we scrapped together enough quatloos for this dancer. Who, frankly, was hard up for money.

Well bring them on.

I put a spell on you......

Because, you're miiiiiiiiiine...

Wow, way, way too old. Even I find this incredibly disturbing.

I put my investments into these twoooooooooo...

I ain't lyin', oh no I ain't lying.....

Well, there goes lunch. Has the prosecution another witness?

Yes your honor. The prosecution calls Kate O'Beirne.

Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a blind man.

Several minutes later

I'm sorry ma'am but there is some obvious discomfort in your appearance. Could you use your alien powers to change into something less displeasing?




The prosecution having rested, does the defense have any witnesses?

Yes, your honor. A surprise witness. The Defense calls its witness, show her in.


I can't believe it. Who ever would have believed it?


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