Again, Captain Dr. and Gadfly about the Internet, Atta J. Turk and I wish to send along this very important message:
To: American Eaters
From: Department of Homeland Security
Re: Dangerous run on Flexible pants and Waistband Failures
Threat Level: ORANGE (not a pinkish orange, but full on orange like the color that occurs on orange peels, no gray or anything. Orange orange).
The Department of Homeland Security continues to care about you even after the Thanksgiving holiday feasting. After numerous reports of spectacular waistband failures across the country have been reported to the Department, we pass on the following safety tips to you:
As you prepare to repant after Thanksgiving feasting please note the following:
1. Do not assume that simply "sucking in the gut" will be sufficient to place pants upon your person.
2. Do not deep "double belt" as this just increases the number of projectiles that may be flung from your mid-section at unsuspecting family and friends.
3. Do not wear the oversize white pants, we are past Labor Day.
4. Do not develop a sudden urge to do sit ups.
5. Do not deep fry your frozen pants as you did the turkey, with or without fireworks - this will not help you repant.
6. Do not ask for assistance in reapplying your pants. It is just gross.
7. Never simply dip your lower half of your body into ink in an effort to appear to be wearing pants. Please.
On behalf of the Department, we wish everyone a very happy and safe after-Thanksgiving shopping holiday season!
The Homeland Security Threat Determination Department
Division 16, Section V
Non-Disclosed Location 9