Ask Dr. Attaturk 3/12/2005

Question No. 1:

Dear Dr. Turk,

When I watch TV I am inundated with advertisements for drugs. I don't know if they are good drugs, or even fun drugs, but they have exciting designer names. The people in the ads look so happy and joyful. Many times the drugs name symptoms that every single person I know has. These are surely useful drugs. Some drugs name no symptoms, nor yet hint at them, but tell me to ask my doctor about taking them anyway.

But when I ask my doctor to give me the drugs, he always asks, "Do you have the symptoms?" In the first case, I reply, "Sure, who doesn't?" but then he says I am flippant and refuses to prescribe. In the second case, I say "It doesn't matter, does it? The ad just said to ask for it, and that's what I am doing." Now my doctor says to quit wasting his time.

I think I have a very bad doctor who is probably hoarding all the free samples, not to mention the pens and notepads with the drugs' names on them in pretty colors, he wants them all for himself. Plus he never even asks me to undress. What kind of doctor can he be?

So I am writing to you, dear doctor, please help me. I need drugs. I need them bad. Every day I go online and read, I need them more. I don't even care anymore if they are the ones in the advertisements with the happy people. I just need some damn drugs. Can you help me?

Seeker for Drugs

Dear Seeker,

I know what it is like to want to get the drugs that others will not prescribe to you. Dr. Atta J. Turk had this problem before drawing "Lucky" and getting his Doctorate from the University of Phoenix. Now I am free to write up all the opiates I want. It's like downing a first full of jelly beans...jelly beans with magical properties. You want to have fun? Down a handful of Oxycontin and play D&D, you won't believe how it enhances the gaming experience. In fact, I think those little blue fun pills work best for two things, Role-Playing and Talk Radio...or are those the same thing?

It seems to me that you have a problem that can be solved easily by Dr. Atta J. Turk and his magical Canadian Drug Prescription plan.

Remember, against the tide of couples snuggling and little animated cartoon figures fighting over your toenails, it is impossible to resist the allure of those pretty drugs with the pretty names. It is not your fault. Remember Dr. Turk's motto: turn off, tune out, and drop a grand. Conform! Conform! Conform!

Oh, and if your a woman, I'll gladly ask you to disrobe. In fact, I'll insist upon it!

The only question is, what color scheme do you prefer for your pretty drugs. Purple? Yellow? Blue? Or do you want the 'Rainbow Coalition?'


Question No. 2:

Dear Dr. Attaturk,

Can you see the hair plugs? Can you? Tell me the truth, can you see them? Because they're on to me about the credit card thing, and if I'm going to feel good about myself, I need a good head of hair. You wouldn't lie to me, would you Dr. Turk? Can you see the plugs? Can you?

Your Good Little Cup of & etc.

I'm not going to lie to you. Yes, I can see the hairplugs. Maybe if MBNA had given you more money for being their milch cow you would have been able to get a nice rug like Congressman Delay. You know the kind that is made out of lovely rat pelts and bondo. But it is too late. You cannot stick some form of weasel or lagomorph upon your pate now, it would rip out those plugs by the root.

Also, when you make a trenchant point, could you try to look a little bit less like Bob Novak? I mean really, it is quite disconcerting!

BTW, Senator, I hear that MBNA just upped your credit line on your Super Fantastic Plasma Platinum Visa Card another $250,000. Congratulations, buy yourself some fudge and a nice hat.


Question No. 3:

Herr Attaturk,

I untershtent you haff been, zhall ve zay, making zertain exzhperimentz. exshperimentz involfing ze tranzplantazhun, unt reanimayzhion, of ze dead using shpare partz.

Indeet, ze vollowing itemsh are mizzing vrum zertain perzonz of high renk in ze capital at Vazhington, DZ:

Brezident Bush's brain
Vize Brezident Cheney's heart
Karl Rofe's conzhenze
Ann Coulter's vemale reproductiff organs (alzo her male reproductiff organs)
Jonah Goldberg's veet, at leazt he sez he can't zee them
Alan Greenzhpan's mojo
Jeff Gannon's alibi

Many of ze townzvolk haff ze idea zat yeu, lahk yuhr diztant relazhion, ze Baron Friedrich von Attaturk, may be making a monzhter. Ah would apprezhiate your ahzhuranze zat ziss iss not ze caze, az it hass been in ze past.

Yuhr zervant,

Police Inspector Hans Wilhelm Friederich Kemp

Monster?

Don't be silly.

Sorry, "Don't be zilly!"

I'm not making a monster.

I'm making high-quality crystal meth.

BTW, do you have any spare Sudafed?

Those things that are missing never existed in the first place.

Oh, and I could use some Rubbing Alcohol too.